


Crossdresser

by assez



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Breastfeeding, Built on strong relationship, Coming Out, Crossdressing, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Female Severus Snape, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friend’s support, Hand Jobs, Harry Potter in women clothes, Kidnapping, M/M, Multi, POV Alternating, Roleplay, Romance, Severus Snape in women clothes, Sexual Content, Shemale Severus Snape, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transsexual, Transvestite, Virgin Severus Snape, Voyeurism, breastfeeding of an adult men, stable relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 11:22:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 24,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17365001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assez/pseuds/assez
Summary: Harry is Severus’s friend for a long time now, a colleague for even longer, but he never knew… and it affects him deeply. Not the fact alone, but how hard Severus fights what, at least for him, seems perfectly all right.As he was sulking alone in the corner with a drink in his hand, Harry was contemplating things.Somebody will get him. Someone will, sooner or later, Harry had no doubt about that. So… there was only one last thing left to ask himself.Do I want it to be me, or do I want it to by anybody else?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Severus Snape.

Harry is Severus’s friend for a long time now, a colleague for even longer, but he never knew… and it affects him deeply. Not the fact alone, but how hard Severus fights what, at least for him, seems perfectly all right.

\- Oh, Harry’s mouth popped open for the view in front of him, I didn’t know, he stated silently with non-judging look on his face. When he came to the hotel room they shared for a mishap on the hotel’s part, and saw Snape’s and a lady’s clothes on the floor, he simply thought Snape has somebody here and they are fucking in the room or whatever, and it bothered him for reason unconfessed, but he refused to budge for he was too tired from the conference and then the discussion to look for another place to sleep. He just intended to lay on the sofa and sleep there till the morning in the vain hope she will be gone before the eggs will be served. But when he crossed the living room to do as he thought, Snape run off the bathroom, in nothing but panties, opened bra hanging from his fingers, red lipstick smeared all over his mouth and face and mascara streaming down his face and nose with tears, he guessed that the red clothes on the floor wouldn’t be one of Snape’s concours.  
\- I didn’t know either! shouted Severus in vain attempt to defend himself. – There was this shop a – and I was angry – and they sold it for half the price – then I came home – here – and – I – I couldn’t stand it anymore – so I –  
In the end, he hiccupped, not being able to finish, the bra wildly swinging left and right, front and back, and he tried to escape around Harry to do whatever stupid thing in such a state people do, but Harry caught him, persisted on him to stay and finally, finally convinced him to stay, trying to calm him.  
\- Shhh, answered Harry, stretching his arms towards him, - shh, shhh, I’t’be all right, I promise.  
Severus sobbed, letting Harry to hold him, standing there in shock, cold, freezing, ashamed to the roots of his long hair. And when the power left him -- longing, aching, bleeding without blood, not knowing what to do, quivering, shaking, fearing, doubting - crying his soul out of his chest, and doing it with dignity all the time he was lying down on the cold floor, not finding piece nor calm, in forever wandering circles of his own mind, letting Harry to hold him still.

_I knew it as I was forced to help with some traumas after the war, I knew it the first time I saw it in memories of Mr. Longbottom, memories I didn't even dug out of Potter's mind at Occlumency lessons in his fifth year. I knew it as I for the first time SAW his changed boggart, not paying attention to the laughing classroom Lupin tended to. I knew I wanted to be her. I knew what the sight of carefree looking boggart-me wearing women clothes did to me._  
It was a horrible terrible mess and I shouldn't ever start to try to help war victims with their nightmares. It was a big mistake and I knew it from the beginning.  



	2. Chapter 2

It bothered Harry how deeply was Severus affected by his findings.  
\- I don’t want to be transvestite.  
Harry sighed: - I know, but it isn’t exactly something you can choose.  
\- I can. In fact, I will, answered Severus stubbornly, not wavering, not budging. Relentless.  
\- What are you gonna do? asked Harry warily, looking at him, knowing this stubborn stance from his long-time colleague.  
\- Nothing, and by that statement it seemed to be settled for Severus.  
Harry only unhappily sighed.

Of course, he asked Hermione: - You see, I know this guy…  
\- Yes.  
\- And he has an issue…  
\- Yes.  
\- About liking to wear women clothes.  
A pause. - Yes?  
\- He is very stubborn about it to the point where it doesn’t help.  
\- Yes.  
\- How can I help him to come out – to do what he wants but doesn’t dare?  
\- Harry – are you the one who wants to wear women clothes?  
\- No.  
\- Are you…  
\- I am not opposite seeing him in them.  
\- Would it… would it excite you to be with…?  
\- I just love the person and don’t want to see him suffer needlessly anymore.  
\- Ah. Answered Hermione. Another pause. – Would you fuck such a guy?  
\- Yes, answered Harry.  
Hermione seemed to release her breath, calmed. – You see, if you try to help such a person, they might get very dependent on you. You will be a stable point in a sea of unpredictable changes. If you leave him, you will hurt him deeply, even more than anyone other. They might not show or even know how much you will be important to them until they lose you. I don’t know how far you are with him but be very careful what you will do, if you want to help him, and what it will cause to your relationship because those things are very personal, Harry, and some might find it better to let just their desires go.  
\- I know, admitted Harry, - but he is fighting it so hard.  
\- Well… then let’s just find some constructive ways how to offer a helping hand, okay?  
\- Thank you, Hermione.  
For the first time after a long time, Harry saw a light and he smiled shortly but brightly for it.   
Hope.


	3. Chapter 3

He caught him touching the feminine panties and saw ache, such and ache, deep-rooted craving in those black eyes. He reddened and threw them away the moment he noticed Harry watching him, started shouting and swear, leaving the room altogether after some time knowing it won’t excite any sane person, any normal men, not Harry at all, a thing Harry since he found out tried Severus to change opinion about and Severus refusing to have any of it, refusing to listen or to give it a shot or to allow himself to think about it for just a second, albeit for a span of that short time, a long-lost battle between the two of them. And Harry sighed wearily, he went looking for him, trying to catch with him.

He came to Severus finally:  
\- It bothers you.  
\- No.  
\- How much?  
\- No.  
\- Severus…  
\- Potter just stop it. Drop it.  
\- You should wear them.  
\- What? No.  
\- No matter what your father told you when he caught you, no matter what he did to you after – he is long dead, and no matter what did and said your classmates, you should wear them, If it feels like you, insisted Harry, cornering him by standing near him and looking him in the eye.  
To that, Severus had just nothing to say. So, he opted for retreat: - Leave.  
\- Se-  
\- Please, leave me be. Now.

Nobody saw him several days and Harry got scared. So, prepared for anything and everything, he took a deep breath, lit his wand, threw at himself his Invisibility cloak and he broke into Severus's apartment, where nobody seemed to be at least several days. So, he thought for a while before apparating to the Spinners End, where it seemed similar, except that there couldn’t be a living soul for at least decades. He didn’t let it to discourage him and he searched the whole spider-and-web-full house to, finally, finding Severus in the basement laboratory, in a hastily made bed, in complete dark and dust-heavily-filled air, sleeping under several white duvets, only hairs sticking out of the pillows. Harry heaved a quavering breath, leaning shakily onto his knees.  
The sleeping body shivered and a head full of tangled hair turned to allow the bleary eyes to see him.  
\- Potter? What are you doing here?  
\- You scared me to death, blamed him Harry with accusing eyes. – Never ever leave like that again.  
\- Why? asked Severus, confused.  
\- I thought you killed yourself! shouted Harry.  
\- Why should I? asked Severus rhetorically, pushing the pillows and duvets away, - my life is perfect.  
\- So that is why you are depressed?  
\- ‘ am not.  
\- You are. When was the last time you took a bath?  
\- Twenty-five years ago, answered Severus, - trying to kill myself, added murmured-ly.

_Harry gulped: - Are you serious? It was around the time his mother died.  
And he didn’t have a purpose of life.  
Severus didn’t answer.  
\- So, when was the last time you took a shower? Harry was not planning on letting any of those two subjects just like that drop.  
\- Last week… he sniffed. - I guess, he added uncertainly.  
\- Well, let’s finish it here, then. I will prepare you a –  
\- I can manage.  
\- But you didn’t.  
\- A needed a vacation.  
\- Never. Even after war. So, don’t lie to me now. I am here for you now. I can help you. I certainly want to. Please? And Harry stretched an arm, offering it to Severus to take it.  
\- Go.  
\- No.  
\- Fine. _


	4. Chapter 4

Severus stood. Tried to stand. Wavered. Subdued, he yawned. He was clearly languid.  
\- What did you take? asked Harry, hurrying to help him by arms around his waist, throwing one of those arms around his neck.  
\- Nothin’, slurred Severus angrily. Nearly angrily.  
\- Severus! What did you take?  
\- Pills – to sleep.  
\- Pills? Like – muggle pills?  
\- Didn’t – haven’t –  
\- Severus – don’t sleep! Come, Harry threw him into the shower and turned the cold water on.  
\- Potter! roared Severus.  
\- Good morning! shouted Harry back – angry now.  
\- It is midnight! answered Severus in the same tone.  
\- Well, not for you now, is it?  
\- No, certainly not.  
\- Well done. Now – will you shower yourself, or shall I do it?  
\- Go away! Now!  
\- Fine. I will prepare hot tea and you just pray to be okay when I get back to pick you up or I shall take and dump you at St. Mungo’s for your irresponsibility!

\- What are those? asked Severus, sipping his hot tea.  
\- Bills. Pay them. Or else I swear I will do it for you.  
\- You wouldn’t dare, snarled Severus.  
\- Try me, dared him Harry.  
\- Fine!, snapped Severus unwillingly and tore one of the envelopes only to hiss indignantly and toss it back on the table to the pill of unopened letters.  
\- What is it? asked Harry tentatively, sitting beside him with another mug of tea.  
\- Nothing.  
\- Severus…  
\- No-thing, Potter!  
\- I was there, remember? stated Harry. – And I want to help you, but I don’t know how. Please, please, help me with it? Please.  
\- There is nothing to help with, Potter.   
\- I could understand if it’s complicated things for you, but I just can’t relate to the depth of the despair it caused to you. Don’t you want to tell me something?  
\- Like what?  
\- How do you feel about it, how you perceive it – so I could understand what such a big problem for you is.  
Snape sneered, hiding behind the liquid in his hot mug: - Care to try wearing women clothes for several weeks together with me? he jeered.  
\- Would it help you? asked Harry seriously.  
\- Of course not. You are not - _it_ , he said that derisively and with loathing toward himself, sounding offended by Harry admitting to even think about it.  
\- Enough.  
\- What?  
\- I said – enough.  
\- Why?  
\- Because that tone used my aunt when she spoke to or about me as a freak. I won’t tolerate it, you know?  
\- But you won’t wear them either, nor will you find any ounce of urge to wear women clothes.  
\- If it shames you, you don’t have to wear them necessarily publicly.  
Severus gaped for a start: - There is no such an option – there is nothing, not even a question or doubt I will ever wear those or any other women clothes in public, Potter, I would be sooner dead, killed by a murderer of strangers and freaks. I wouldn’t survive one day. I can’t even imagine it, and I don’t want to even try for… suddenly he stopped, his look seemed faraway in that moment. Lost somehow.  
\- Well… you don’t have to, tried Harry to calm him, but a flicker – a spark of something and Harry knew that the thought he came up with hurt Severus more than he dared to imagine. Yes. Of course. He wanted to. He craved to. He wanted nothing else than to imagine all day walking on streets not in robes, but in women clothes, accepting greetings from local farmers, salute former colleagues fighting in the war, accept and loving arms in the middle of the square of his loved one lover. And be happy, for everybody would see it as normal, as all right, as acceptable, and no one would care, no one would even dare to think ill because of it about Severus. Acceptance – and nothing less will Severus content himself with.  
Or something very much similar. Harry knew the feeling. He knew.  
The dull ache. The bitterness afterwards, when one finds out nothing changes just for them.  
Petunia never stopped hating him.  
And Dudley never stopped aching to bully him, to put his big hand on his neck and squeeze. Just squeeze.  
So, Harry just recognized that for what it was.  
\- I concede, said Harry aloud. – I don’t feel urge or need to dress like a woman and show the world who I am. I would gladly dress them if it helped you or any of my other friends, to show support, but… he reached out to take one of Severus’s arms into his and squeezed lightly, - it wouldn’t be out of any need other than to help.  
\- Would you wear them if it felt… important? Pensive, Severus asked.  
\- I would, answered Harry.  
Severus looked at him doubtfully. Not believing at all.  
\- I swear I would do if it did anything to me, but it doesn’t so I can’t lie or pretend that it does. Not to you. Not for a long time anyway, no, not, when I know it would hurt you.  
Finally, Severus nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

_  
\- How much?  
\- What?  
\- How much important it feels to you?  
A pause: - Like deep seated, dull and aching need. Like pain. Like I will never be myself again If I won’t do something that my reason says is stupid. Unprecedently so. Like I fought a battle in the last three days. Tired.  
Harry nodded: - How did it happen?  
\- I told you –  
\- Not with the shop. Before.  
\- Longbottom showed me his memories on your third year Defence lesson.  
\- Ah.  
\- Ah indeed.  
\- And before?  
\- Before?  
\- Yep. Before. The first time? How – when you knew? Did you try any of the clothes before?  
\- Seven years. Don’t ask. I forget it for a long time too. And no. And I won’t. If mere memory nearly destroyed me, not even my own for that matter, I – I don’t want constant reminder, a temptation always within and out of my reach.  
Which was the end of discussion with Severus bloody stubborn Snape too. _

\- I am a monster.  
\- You are not, not for this, not for anything else!  
\- You can’t say that, you don’t even know!  
\- I do, and I love you no matter what you wear.  
\- You don’t mean it.  
\- I do!  
\- Just stop it, please, and go.  
\- If this is your wish, then I shall leave. This room. This house. You shall find me in the tent on your front garden making acquaintance with your neighbours if anything you shall wish to discuss occurs, then Harry threw the door closed.

Harry wasn’t surprised that, five hours later, his tent was opened by sickly thin male hands and a black-clad robe of his former professor together with the aforementioned professor entered it, sitting on the quilt in the middle of the tent, crossing his legs and looking Harry in the eye calmly.  
\- When will it hit you? When will you understand, Severus?  
\- I don’t – can’t – you cannot possibly comprehend.  
\- … I don’t.  
\- No, you don’t.  
\- I do, and I just don’t care, Severus!

For several days Harry wasn’t able to get Severus out of bed, so he stayed beside it, drinking hot cocoa and pretending everything is all right, thank you very much, meanwhile adoring the foetus position Severus took at the bed, wearing old grey nightshirt, huddling absurdly big pillow under himself and snoring slightly, a Slytherin scarf wrapped around his wrist. He was frowning from the sleep, probably reliving some nightmare or other, his bare legs showing unashamedly to the world, never waking completely from his dreaming.  
Harry contented himself with the tacit role of housekeeper and bodyguard in one go, silently doubting that moving back here was Severus’s most sound decision, fully prepared to argue his point once he was awake.  
But then he surprised him, acquiescent tacitly to return to his liveable flat and to his work once again.  
And so, they moved out of Spinners End and returned some of his things to his flat and some of the to the rooms at Hogwarts.

The last luggage Harry thrown at the dungeon’s floor somewhat carelessly, sighed tiredly and wiped the sweat from his forehead.  
\- Do be careful, Potter, growled Severus from behind him. Harry sunnily smiled and turned to him with bid childish eyes.  
\- Whoa, Severus! Somebody sounds to look forward to the school year stream so much! You know, if you buy them sweets, your reputation of nasty and mean professor will be destroyed, do be careful.  
\- Get out of my rooms, you useless nitwit.  
\- - Now, if you will just let me give you some pieces of advice. Ignore people you hate or despise. Don’t provoke anybody. Be a good decent guy, you misgivings shall be forgiven quicker and easier that way. Don’t fight. Don’t be rude. Don’t insult people, don’t – Harry’s hand was mercilessly swatted of off Severus black teaching robes.  
\- I was a spy for Albus cause longer than you live, I know how to behave! He shouted indignantly, spitting at him in the process inadvertently.  
\- You know how to keep low profile? 

_\- Of co –  
\- Than do that too. He sighed, being in the teaching mode himself. - I don't wanna lie to you. It will be hard, especially for the men you know and like as colleagues and friends. Men can be straight berks when they feel that their manhood is somehow endangered. I cannot really understand why, but we can always try to ask Ron what the issue is since he didn't get out of the bathroom for two days when I said I am gay. He might help with some insight about all of this men-issue and violation of masculinity thing. Anyway. It might be hard, yes, but the whole point is you'll not be alone, and you are extremely lucky as well, for the first guy you confided in-  
\- - I didn't, you just found out on yourself by an accident.  
\- - well, right, whatever – the first guy you confided in is an extremely accepting, open-minded bloke, who happens to like you no matter what, and Harry sunnily smiled at him, eyes bright with joy and happiness and carefree life of an extremely dull dog, contentment with his unproblematic life.  
\- Severus despised that expressions, fortunately, it was not aimed at him for a long time, because Potter then added: - You are not the only one nor last one and you are not alone. I will help you. For free... added Potter. One last smile, one press of his palm and he danced off the door.  
And life, after all, was not so miserable then._


	6. Chapter 6

_When Harry returned from shopping to the joined hotel rooms where, as colleagues on another conference, they shared living rooms, something about him was positively smug and excited._  
\- How was your-? Tried Severus to find what was happening, but Potter only answered with cryptical: - Stay here. Wait. Then three bags were unceremoniously thrown on his kitchen table and two went with Potter to the bathroom.  
For a while, Severus waited, then he just found some newspapers to read while waiting.  
When Harry left the bathroom, he was nearly naked. Except the knickers. And the corset from under which his nipples were slightly peeking.  
And the high-heels boots on his tights-lad legs.  
Even the way he leaned on the doorframe, the light from the bathroom halfway covering him, halfway underlining this embodied eroticism, was seducing.  
He stood there, barely clothed, looking comfortable, so comfortable Severus’s heart leaped and soared, switching, showing Severus breath-taking view, and looked at him, looked him in the eye, unashamed.  
\- What is this? he managed to spit some venom, trying to catch him off guard yet not accomplishing this task, failing even miserably.  
In his mind, he stripped Potter off from the pearls along his neck and silently wished, prayed even that the thing in his lips were a lipstick.  
Potter didn’t answer. Didn’t even move. He just looked Severus in the eye, daring him.  
Severus averted his eyes, standing quickly and uncoordinatedly, his head spinning, newspapers long forgotten.  
\- What is the meaning of this? Tried Severus again, not looking at Potter this time; he even thought he was inaudible for he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  
\- It couldn’t be the same for me as it would be for you, but I wanted to help, stated Potter. He didn’t sound indifferent, just mature about it, and unbelievably open, honest even. – What I see is beauty of debauchery in it, continued Potter on, in vain attempt to explain his mind, thoughts and feelings to Severus. - Like tasting something forbidden. I’m not… excited by wearing them directly, but I can imagine someone else, and he slid his eyes over Severus’s form, not leaving room for any doubt about how or who he means ,- wearing them, and I got excited by the image, imagining how would it be, how would it feel to kiss, a step forward, - to caress, a step forward, the boots clicking on the tiles, - to possess, devour and kiss someone under me, while I kiss them, smearing the lipstick all over, sliding the panties all the way down and… he cornered Severus again, this time leaning on him, barely touching, held by the walls behind him with one hand, leaving a room for Severus to leave yet forcing him to push his back into the wall. – He looked up suddenly, and Severus pushed the furiously beating heart to the toilet, silencing it, yet breathing raggedly, when Potter’s nearly hurt gaze and tone begged: - Won’t you even touch me? meaning ‘I was so much trying’.  
It was too much. Severus jumped and run off the room altogether, not being able to breathe the whole way to the acceptance hall. 

_Clothes already changed to the mundane wizard robes, waiting for him, Potter’s tone was flat when Severus found the courage to re-enter their common living room: - I apologize, stated Potter formally. – I had not the right to seduce you into trying to wear them. I had no right. I just wanted to help and hoped it would be easier if you saw someone else to wear them, not looking at them with disgust – or not looking at the concept of a men in women underwear altogether in disgust, I just wanted to offer a help and acceptance and I guess I failed miserably. Tomorrow, I will give them back. He stood and left Severus’s part of their shared rooms.  
And Severus didn’t find any strength to do anything about it, just stared at the wall, thinking – or not thinking at all._

_Nights were strange creatures of hiding and seeking. That night, Severus dressed up into the strangely fitting robes Potter bought for him – the panties, thighs, bra with plastic breasts inside, the robe with fluffy and ridiculously wide, yet elegant, soft and thin layered skirt, and crawled into the bed with already sleeping Potter, who woke up immediately, mumbling something while still half asleep, worried tone and all, and watching Severus warily.  
\- Nothing answered Severus and when he curled by Potter’s side, he started crying sans sobbing unashamedly, tolerating the way Potter’s arm curled around him protectively, pressing him closer to his chest. _


	7. Chapter 7

When Harry finally found him, he was playing with his wand, destroying some memory. He came nearer, seeing that it was one of those memories where he was young forced to wear a baggy-looking, oversize women shirt.  
\- I hated wearing it, explained Severus with contemplative tone. - He hated me, so he forbade my mother to buy any clothes for me. I had to wear hers. It was a punishment. He forced her to cut my hair short, but I was so scared, I cried. I didn't want to. They grew overnight. He was furious. He hated me. He mocked me and forbid her and then got drunk and took scissors and cut them himself claiming I look like a too ugly girl with them, trying to provoke me. They grew overnight again. He hated me, and that is alright, because I hated him, too.  
The memory got caught in fire, lighting bright then disappeared.  
\- Maybe it is his credit after all. Unintentionally, by being afraid and homophobic and everything phobic really, he raised a girl out of me because of his narrow-minded stances.  
Another memory with him in women clothes sailed out of his temples to thin air.  
\- But I swear back then I felt degraded and hated every fibre of being in that clothes and hated everybody who mocked me because of it and even tried to cut my hair myself. They didn’t budge. Not single one. I couldn't destroy a single one. I... his voice broke.  
Tentatively, Harry raised his hand, putting it onto Severus's shoulder and - after waiting if Severus will shake him off or not, squeezing it.  
He turned then, surprising Harry by burying his face into his robe and closing his eyes in surrender, silent and calm.  
\- Shhh, answered Harry after a while, his hand never leaving Severus's shoulder, his second finding his way to Severus’s hair, - you know that is not true, don’t you? The bit with raising a girl out of you. It doesn’t work like that. He stroked his hair. – You are not a girl even by trying women clothes. And his ill behaviour wouldn’t have the power…  
Severus chuckled mirthlessly: - But wouldn’t it be so fucking much more easier? To point at him and blame him for it? Here, that is the victim, here, there is the murderer. The cause for what everything happened.  
Then Harry pulled him closer, delving deeper into his heat and into his hair, and murmured into his scalp: – It is all right already, it is all right. He is gone, and you are here now. Here with me.

\- I dreamed about you, stated Harry grinning.  
Severus looked at him: - Oh, what a horrible night. Accept my sincere apology, please, he drawled then started to read again.  
Tentatively Harry came nearer, sitting at the cough's armrest. Severus forget to pretend reading. Harry gave him an adoring smile: - It was a good dream, dedicated him Potter secretly. - You were dressed like a doll and licked a lollipop. We talked, mostly. You forget even sneer at me, he whispered softly, smiling lightly, daringly so. - We spent an afternoon like that. Like an even human beings talking. You looked breath-taking.  
\- What a drivel, trash and garbage falls of off your mouth when you open it, said Severus with horrifying cold undertone, then stood.  
\- I think the dream inspired this, and I think it would suit you, he whispered the horrible thing, the treacherous thought right into his ear, he stuck in front of Severus's nose the article with three girls dressed... stunning.  
There.

_Potter must know he won as he caught Severus's eyes lingered on the picture. There was a girl dressed like a sweet lolita wearing petticoat in sailor style with a hair bow on her head, her eyes big and sincere, shy even, one wore a dress black as deep ocean with the garter cut to her thigh, her look daring, a shiny red lipstick stuck on her playfully scorning lips. The last one had big breasts. She was wearing a bright white blouse. She was dressed in volume skirt created by wearing a crinoline, and a bonnet on top of her head. The lace on the bottom of her skirt caressing her ankles as she swung to turn her back to the sun, raising her parasol over her head. When she mouthed something to the readers, it was visible how they highlighted her eyes using pencil contours and eyeshadows in contrast with the two of them.  
\- Do be so kind and clean up the mess, he thrown the article back at Potter, banging the door of his privet laboratory shut as he came, leaving, retreating to the safety of his poisons and cures and silence. _


	8. Chapter 8

When Harry came to visit him that weekend afternoon, after a horrifying week spent as punch box to the student's tantrums, and not seeing nor meeting Severus at the meals, not once taking any glimpse of him, he took a flower and a chocolate with himself, and dressed decently in robe, even tried to tame his hairs to try to console him, fully expecting him to be still angry at Harry for the article about fashion he sneaked him to look at. He knocked at the door three times exactly, in firm hand, to not earn any more wrath at his persona for bad behaviour this time or inapplicable manners.  
What came answer him... took breath out of Harry's lugs. The hand holding flowers loosened grip, causing the flowers to slide and tilt. The door opened a girl dressed in sailor style, white colours changed to black, wearing petticoat with a little bonnet on top of his head, eyes framed by black eye line, mascara and glued clumps of adhesive eyelashes.  
\- These are for me? asked Severus humbly, in soft wary tones.  
\- Of course, gulped Harry. - I - sorry. You look - beautiful. Delectable, if he for a moment thought Severus would survive that compliment.  
\- Thank you. Come in? offered Severus tamely.  
\- I'll be glad, smiled Harry and hurried in. After the door shut, he watched as gracefully Severus moved to put the flowers to the vase. His movements were slower and graceful than his normal speed. Harry numbly thought when, and if, Severus bubbles up and explode, refusing to cooperate any longer, calling it a farce and the end of his trying and his things start to flow mid-air as he starts throwing them at Harry’s head.  
Yet, his patience transported him back to the chairs and the both of them sat at silence for a long while, sipping the pre-prepared and to Harry's arrival waiting tea.  
\- How is that possible that the atrocious behaviour of students even worsened to the point -? started Harry with gulped laugh to ease the atmosphere and distract Severus, but Severus’s hand was raised, and the man sternly ordered:  
\- Stop it, Potter.  
\- All right.  
Silence fell on the room once again.  
\- Are you content, Potter?  
\- Content?  
\- Yes. After all… and Severus raised his head to look him in the eye, - you’ve won.  
Harry’s features hardened: - I was not aware of competing with you in any manner.  
\- Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anyway. I have done what you wanted me to do. Now what?  
Harry’s body went cold. – It was your bloody idea.  
\- No. It was yours. I complied.  
\- No. Don’t be so modest, Severus. You exceeded expectation, Harry throw the cup on the table, shattering it.  
\- Maybe, accepted Severus in docile tone once again.  
\- My reason, any my reason only was to show it to you to get inspired.  
\- And inspired I got…  
\- I only meant to brought to your attention you might experiment a bit. To show you! But if you refuse accept who you are, then god help us all, he shouted at Severus with his bowed head sitting silently there, watching the table, waiting.  
\- Do something! ordered Harry in a bark, leaning on the table over Severus’s head.  
Severus slowly raised his head to look him in the eye: - As you wish, and he raised his fingers and slowly extracted the bonnet from his head. His ears stood out of his head while his hair clung to his head. He looked like a troll at that moment and Harry had hard time not to laugh over the situation. Frustrated, he raised his own hand and slided through his carefully done hair, making it stick to all directions once again.  
\- I only just wanted to show you. To make you happy. To show acceptance and support. Sorry it did come out wrong. Sorry for… it doesn’t matter, sorry, sighed Harry in half-mutter.  
Calmed somehow, Severus asked: - It was not meant to change me anyhow?  
Harry gulped, tentatively shaking his head: no.  
\- How – lick of dry lips, Severus gaze flicked to his then lowered again, - how ridiculously do I really look like? He asked tentatively.  
\- Delectable, answered Harry without hesitation, because somehow that didn’t matter any longer how stunned he felt just a minute – or was it eternity? – before because something hot vile and sour uncoiled in his own stomach. He felt hurt. And couldn’t explain why. – Sorry. Have to go, he jumped out of his stance and aimed for the door.  
The chair creaked. – Stay, asked – shouted – pleaded Severus on soft yet easy to hear voice, sounding as if his life depended on it. On him.  
Harry abruptly turned and zooming down on him like a vulture: - Do you think this is funny? Do you think it is easy for me to come time and again to you to be humiliated and degraded and be laughed at, reminded of all my shortcomings in alphabetical order yet trying to console you about something you are distressed about which I have no clue why? Do you think it is easy to fight for both of us to make your life better?  
\- No, whispered Severus, ashamed.  
\- No, it definitely isn’t, yet I am doing, or try to do exactly that, so excuse me if I am not doing it the right way, but I shall try even in the future even if you don’t like it or even if –  
\- Thank you.  
Harry gulped.  
No word was said between them the whole afternoon and the whole evening they spent together, sitting at the sofa, looking at nothing except the thin air, thinking in silence.  
When, at night, Severus led Harry to the door, his eye-lines long-ago blurred, he confessed in silent throaty tones: - I shall try to be nicer the next weekend. I would like to try something new. Would you like -?  
\- Gladly, and Harry silenced him and said his goodbye by stepping on tiptoes and placing a peck on Severus’s pink protruding cheekbone, wishing him good night.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I'm so very sorry. I didn't know up until now, too (the new tag).

His long hair tangled, so Harry pulled a chair closer to him and started to entangle the strands of hair straight.  
\- What are you doing? asked Severus belatedly.  
\- Combing your hair, why of course, answered Harry, frowning while battling the mess.  
\- Whatever for?  
\- Because Severus Snape doesn’t have his hair tangled.  
\- Sweet, how good you know him.  
\- You would be surprised.  
\- Oh. Really?  
\- Yep.  
\- Try me.  
\- He drinks his coffee with one cubicle of sugar if he is alone only, but shhh, no one can know, and because of the false-conspiracy air, he zoomed nearer to Severus, who was watching his whole performance unblinking, up until that moment when the young man, uninvited and unexpected, somehow got into his personal space, looking...  
\- You look ridiculous, Potter.  
But when he swiped his arm around his neck, hooking him effectively, keeping him in place, and crossed the boundary, dragging him in for a kiss, there was nothing, nothing ridiculous about it at all.

Keep your calm. Keep your distance. He didn’t mean it like that. He isn’t ready. He just isn’t –   
Repeated Harry to himself when he pulled away, smiling distractedly and shyly and humbly at him: - That was nice, Severus, thank you –  
\- I am sorry, Severus looked terrified, sounding panicky, - I don’t know what got into me…  
\- Which is all right perfectly, brushed him Harry off, continuing with untangling his hair. – I am really honoured. Really.  
\- No – I – I am sorry…  
\- Don’t be, or else you will offend me, and I will have to question my ability in that area which I would rather not have to do, thank you very much.  
\- I –  
\- Shhh. You know how bad I am with all the bloody diversification of attention thing. I would really regret scalping you.  
After that Severus fell suspiciously silent and for sake of his own sanity, Harry let him be.

_For a one mishap, how careful will he has to be? What did he really expected, being attracted to Potter for over two and a half year now really? After the war, he helped other kids with their nightmares. After the war, somehow everything went to hell when Potter returned to Hogwarts teaching. They became colleagues, respected themselves, stood for one another in front of students, then teachers, then the blasted conferences came and after one accepted invitation for a tea they became friends.  
And what did he expect? He expected after finding him like Potter found him after the week-lasting conference clothed like a monster he will run away from him. He was absolutely unprepared to be treated like a human being, utter unequipped to deal with him after being so nice to him, friendly, even friendlier than before, and he could never have guessed Potter of all people could be – and manage to be – so supportive, capable of being so helpful in some ways….  
…while in others, in those that were not his fault at all, he was absolutely not.  
Attraction pulsed in his veins and for the first time in his life he felt powerless toward the cuteness, goodness, breath-taking views of lack of features he himself possessed in abundance – Potter lacked cunningness, didn’t plan ahead on, couldn’t use strategy if he wanted to when it came to deal with people, intentional cruelty he would not know how to begin with. Yet he admired him for the straightforwardness and to the point of naivete behaviour more so.  
He stopped thinking and imagined. Imagined. What would it be like to have Harry for himself? To capture his attention, to peak his interest, to get him to the floor. To have him, to devour him, to never let go, to excite him, to bound him, to make him crave his mind, his soul, his body. What would it feel like to have the attention, the passion, the love and care aimed solely at him? What would it feel like to capture Harry Potter’s soul? To make him squirm, to allow him to make Severus squirm… to consume him.  
He was not a virgin… entirely. He just didn’t have much opportunity. When young, nobody wanted him for how he looked or how he behaved and when he got to the age it did no longer matter, it was far too dangerous for him be vulnerable from any side. Then it always seemed to be too late for trying anything and making fool of himself. What would be the use really?  
But with Harry certain unspecific type of craving returned and his chest felt empty and hollow. It was his best friend’s precious only son for fuck’s sake. She would kill him. That is – would she live. And there still remained the fact he himself felt some kind of compulsion, some type of bond towards Potter’s life, more so than only to save his life, he truly needed to see him happy no matter what.  
It became the only constant necessity of his if when he survived the war and when he found out Potter survived, too, despite any raising him like a pig for slaughter.  
Surprisingly he didn’t feel any jealousy to students he regularly needed to tore from one another, just the dull ache in his chest. No one for him, everybody for others.  
This afterlife of Dumbledore’s version of happy life, number II. felt really more like a hell more often than not.  
He looked himself in the mirror. Oh, fuck. Such a martyr you have become, Severus, he told himself spitefully. He spat at himself.  
For the first time In his life he knew Potter don’t know him at all even if he thought he knew him and Severus absolutely didn’t know what to do with the while thing in front of him, splayed open, showing itself on.  
Like a whore like a masochist.  
Like a mad cow.  
What I am gonna do with you, life?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> E

He was wearing his usually teaching robes, a scowl and a frown, too. And a big pink bow on his long slick hair when Harry entered the room and he was watching himself, watching them in the mirror.  
\- I don't understand - he sighed, shaking his hair, no longer looking.  
\- What?  
\- The sight disgusts me, he raised his head again, then looked on Harry solely. - Yet... I can't help myself. I feel the need, the absolutely inexplicably strong urge to have it, wear it, at least for a while. To get fucked with it on. Then throw it away to the waste bin or better yet - burn it in the fireplace.  
Harry's brain froze on the "get fucked with it on" part, even had to gulp several times.  
He coughed: - Well... he started, not knowing how to continue.  
\- Will you help me? asked Severus suddenly turning to look him in the eye.  
\- Wha'?  
\- Will you help me - and Severus did several steps towards him so Harry had to lean on the cool stone wall. - It tangled into my hair, and without warning, he got on his knees in front of Harry waiting, breathing shallowly and unevenly, burning holes to the floor in the meanwhile. - If it won't go, use scissors -  
\- No!, Harry didn't know, whether he shouted or silently denied this option, the next thing he knew was that his fingers was entangled in Se- Snape's long hair, warm scalp and the laces of pink bow sitting on his head like a crown, sliding and untangling, tugging and tugging some more, combing, until the bow finally did budge. That was the moment Harry realised he was being hypnotized by onyx orbs watching him with infinite patience and silent calm curiosity.  
\- did it -  
\- Yes.  
It was a moment of something so strong that passed between them that in the next moment they found each other in one's another arms, sticking their tongues into one another's mouth, barely breathing, bumping to one another with their ice-cold noses and moaning from time to time – often – all the time, then -   
\- Stop, please, stop -  
\- I am so sorry -  
And with wide eyes Harry jumped to his feet and run away.

_A way to get this mess out of his system. A way to concentrate on nothing in particular. A way to be with himself, alone, for just a little while he was looking for. And that he made for himself one ugly beautiful evening, dressing himself and closing himself behind his firm doors of his Hogwarts’s rooms.  
He was determined to un-learn to crave Potter. He was determined to learn himself to not back up, to not retreat. To learn himself to just fuck and to just love and to not mix that and to not make himself a fool in front of anybody and to not be a fun stock for whomever when he dressed in women’s clothes. He was determined to find out what he really enjoys without alien input.  
He just had to know.  
And so, due to his selfishness and due to his momentary lack of mind in brain all went straight to hell once again.  
And he couldn’t even find the strength to blame Potter for it this time, oh, fuck.  
But fuck, when the madness all started, he swore he didn’t know it will end like this and his thoughts were the blackest ones. There was something definitely sick and depraved, ill about being virgin in his age and he aimed to get rid of it finally in the closest opportunity.  
His blood boiled hot with rage, thick as lava. Why did he refuse Potter? Why the fuck he refused to just -? Just – continue, to let him do it – and that was ridiculous, really, if he just stood there and let Potter fuck him from behind, leaning against a wall, how high were the chances that Potter would recognise him as a virgin? But no, oh no, he was just so fucking fool he didn’t even allow Potter to touch him, to get any closer to him, to do anything to him. And he despised himself for it. It was the brightest sign for him that he himself must do something about it if he didn’t want to bother his already hard life in the future.  
It was an obstacle, and he had to dispose of it before it destroyed him.  
So, his mission was to make himself feel like wanting to have sex now, which really, after the mess in his head, was not the easiest thing to do. But then he dressed himself and after several annoying tries he finally managed to make himself feel – something. So, he prepared the toys that should help him to be done with his virginity once and for all. Then the chair was too hard and the sheets were too soft and sticky and the table was too clean for that kind of mess and sofa was too expensive to mess with, then he thrown his annoyingly pale-sick-uninspiring-bony-disgusting-old body at the last imaginable surface he could come up with in this level of blindfolding rage he felt and threw the toys beside himself and finally, ferociously he started accomplish the task at hand. _

There, on the harsh hard unforgiving cold floor and the same castle wall he laid. He was laying sprawled on the floor, his one hand raised behind his head, on his body nothing but a corset and stockings, his legs spread widely, and his hand was wildly, desperately flying up and down his purple, swollen cock, his balls heavy and his expression... oh fuck his expression. His teeth sung deep into his lower lip, drawing blood nearly, and his eyes were shut, and his features were one of man in deeply concentrated pain, even buried in it.  
All of the blood rushed to Harry's crotch that instant, making it unbelievably heavy, so heavy he never experienced in his whole life, while Severus's hand was still flying - flying - flying - higher and quicker still, then - he raised his pelvis to help himself, spurting once, twice - violently - and then came - relief flooding his system, eyes still shut but lightly so, making him for maybe once in his life soft and utterly reprehensibly beautiful, young even, very much so young.  
Then, Harry fucked up, because - trapped, despair flooded him and he coughed, HE - FUCKING COUGHED - drawing Severus's attention immediately to him, hatred slowly filling those beautiful relaxed black eyes.  
\- Get out.  
\- S-I-Sorry, mumbled Harry, changing the sentence three times before really mumbling something out loud.  
\- GET OUT! roared Severus and Harry immediately vanished.


	11. Chapter 11

He knocked.  
\- Severus?  
And knocked.  
\- Can you hear me?  
And knocked.  
\- I am sorry, all right?  
And knocked.  
\- But come to think about it, nothing really happened.  
And knocked.  
-I'm glad you are all right.  
And knocked.  
\- We couldn't find you anywhere.  
And knocked.  
\- I am sorry, really, I didn't want to.  
And knocked.  
\- But we were worried, you see?  
And knocked.  
\- Can you open the door just for one sec, please?  
And knocked.  
\- Just that I can see you haven't done anything stu - aaaagh.  
For nearly half an hour for the third time today he was knocking on Severus's door, so, when they finally fell open, he wasn’t expecting it, leaning on them just like that, preparing for another three or four hours at the door, waiting when and if will Severus find an ounce of mercy in himself and finally open the door.  
\- How could you? the accusing tone was the first that met him, when a tight grip smashed his balls through his pants and he was threw on the wall, it was the second thing he registered really. – I trusted you with my rooms, I trusted you with my privacy and you disappointed, again, a drop of spittle landed on Harry’s chin.  
\- Since I didn’t wank over the image of you doing yourself since then, I find it highly unadvisable to grope me like that, Severus, hissed Harry his only warning into Severus face, - unless you intend to make me cum into your palm really, saying that, he borrowed some venom from the man in front of him, possibly finding it highly amusing and clever to pacify Harry this way.  
Immediately the hand disappeared and Severus from his personal space too.  
But that was quite a little bit too late, he already managed to piss Harry of too much: He breathed heavily for several minutes before roaring at Severus: - I saw you, all right?   
\- Do us both a favour and be quiet, Severus gripped the bridge of his nose, lank hair hanging heavily down to veil his face.  
\- We are two adults.  
\- Potter. A warning. – Do be quiet.  
\- It was a mistake, fine!  
\- Do be quiet, Potter.  
\- But it happens. All the time!  
\- No. It does not.  
\- It might not be the expected nor the most pleasant experience for you, I take that and too – you know – I must deal with it TOO!  
\- Potter – just –  
\- Just take it, Severus, and swallow it.  
\- Shut up.  
\- Swallow your goddamn pride and deal with it –  
\- SHUT. UP! A glass behind Harry’s head rattled and cracked.  
What the fuck? What was all of this about? A guy would thought Snape had worse things at his life happened to him than that his former student and the son of his so-beloved-yet-long-dead-fried saw him naked and masturbating. Then something – something on the edge of his mind’s peripheral vision made him stop for a moment and take a breath.  
A wave of tenderness crashed all of his fury down and he stood there, powerless over his suspicion. The sex toys laying there beside Severus he paid no attention at first. They were sold to young unexperienced wizard homosexuals. One of them had Harry long ago, too. Though some of them were pretty advanced if his assumptions ere correct and another wave crushed him: he didn’t want Severus to hurt himself in some stupid attempt to…  
\- Tell me, are you a virgin, Severus? asked Harry, stopping his own thoughts at that instant.  
For a moment, Severus stood there, agape, not believing his own ears: - How dare you? he rose finally to ask, full of rage.  
Harry’s shoulders sagged; that didn’t go well.  
Okay, back to the point then. No need to put him in a corner. If he wants to lead the rage, let him. Harry backed up, tone of his voice calling that he gives up, calling the truce.  
\- I am not guilty of any crime against you, Severus, I swear, he started his defence immediately as Severus draw farer and farer still. – I was just worried. Minerva was, too. You were not answering any of the floo calls. You weren’t at breakfast nor supper or lunch. You were not attending Minerva’s meeting, and you know how she about that is. We were just worried. Minerva asked me -  
\- And I asked you not to intrude! Roared Severus. – is her word now more than mine when it comes to matters about my life?  
\- No, of course not, Harry tried to placate him, but too late.  
\- Get out. I can’t stand the sight of you.  
Harry bowed his head and did as he was told.


	12. Chapter 12

\- I may have act too harshly. I do apologise. Please, come back.  
Harry’s back was facing him, so he imagined him looking somewhere above his head, trying to look like he was not there standing, pleading for forgiveness. But when he turned, he was the man just standing there, watching him calmly and firmly. He probably said those three sentences quite quickly.  
Harry looked at him truly now. He might be lying. He might have side intentions by being here and asking. Harry knew how Severus despised being wrong and having to admit it. He rarely apologised, preferring to let somebody go to admit his mistake. He knew how hard it was for Severus to do apologise.  
Unbelievable. _Does Severus Snape really think he needs my friendship so much?_  
Harry assessed him for a sec. He seemed sincere enough to him. He hung his head low and his shoulders sagged and hunched. Harry took that apology with silent gratitude, just happy to be back at Severus’s favour: - Me, too, and he came to him, hooking his arm around Severus’s neck, hugging him just to be nearer, just to smell him and just to be as close as possible, hanging there from his neck like a monkey. – I apologises. It won’t happen again, promised Harry, the promise making him slightly ill at ease. But what does to take to stay friends with Severus?  
 _I adore you, you know? You don’t need to apologise. Never._

\- Severus, are you a virgin? Harry asked the second time, trying to catch Severus out of guard.  
Severus froze and his expression went slack, mouth slightly open.  
Fuck.  
This powerful man in front of him, who saw horrors in his life, and the last threads of vulnerability of this person lay bare in front of Harry. It enchanted Harry. It attracted him like a magnet.  
He guessed he knew now the answer. No need to validify it.  
\- It took you eternity to become a nice decent human being, Potter. Don't try to mess that up.  
\- All right, grinned Harry carelessly.  
\- Is it fun to you - to aggravate me?  
\- Quite so, nodded Harry.  
Severus growled: - Be careful what you digest since now on, mis-ter Potter.  
\- Thanks for the loving warning, Severus, it is sweet of you. I shall be.

 

\- Severus, are you a virgin? asked Harry tentatively, fully prepared to jump out of the chair and run for his life out of the door.  
And for the expression Severus aimed at him it was utmost bravery or foolishly stupid of him not to take that escape route at that instant.  
But no, Harry gripped the mug and waited and waited some more.  
\- Are you trying to catch me of guard?  
\- Yes.  
\- Of what concern is it to you?  
\- We are friends, you remember that?  
\- But not with benefits, reminded him Severus.  
\- We can still talk.  
\- Not necessarily about our sex experiences.  
\- Sorry, though the weather and sausages we already criticised completely by now, reminded him Harry.  
\- Fuck you, Potter.  
Harry grinned.  
\- Fuck off!  
Harry put the mug at the table: - Gladly. With you. Hm. After you, and his watchful eyes slided along Severus’s silhouette, making him fell hot and flush and heavy, then taking his leave.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> E

Severus asked Harry to chaperone him, so Harry dressed appropriately, like good polite gentleman, and waited for Severus to finish preparing and join him.  
His breath stopped short when he saw Severus in deep purple robes sewn in gold linings sparkling in the dim light like stars, coming down from the stairs, and after such a long time while waiting, Harry saw in Severus he came to love so deeply – the brave man.  
Brave man on official meeting, wearing women, deep purple robes, his hair in bun showing his everything but not soft, not feminine face, coloured in delightfully old pink blusher and with decent pink lipstick, shadows and mascara, and when he finally neared him, for Harry couldn’t move, transfixed by the sight of this Severus, no, not comfortable yet, but prepared to be, he smelled the most delicious perfume he had ever smelled and in that instant, he knew. He just knew he is down on his knees, waiting on mercy from Severus’s hands.   
And in the meanwhile…  
\- You look beautiful, told him Harry adoringly. He wasn’t sure Severus got what he meant.  
\- Thank you, sounded tentatively, but Harry had none of it. He stepped closer to him, taking one of his hand into his, placing there a feverishly reverent kiss, putting his other palm on Severus’s lower back and he caught him around his waist in a protective manner, just to do that – protect him. All the way he couldn’t concentrate on the meaningless conversation, drifting on and off the reality just to smell Severus’s heated body mixed with the perfume, daring more and more as the night progressed to its surely devastating, ripping end once again, this time loses on Harry’s side as well as Severus’s, surely, for he didn’t let go of him to the point people looked strangely at _him_ for occupying Severus’s time and space.  
He escorted him home that night, blushing slightly and mumbling: - Sorry, I guess I was more scared than you.  
\- No need to, answered Severus calmly, a string of gratefulness stretched towards Harry. – I should thank you, they positively thought you the mad one.  
\- Oh, really? No need to. I was. To some extent. He coughed. – Right. Thank you for having me.  
Severus smiled, honestly for once, and Harry’s heart stopped. Close. Too close they stood at that moment and in a rush, it came to Harry what the men meant to him. – Well then, bye, and he turned on the heal, prepared to leave for he wouldn’t be able to not – and would never stop – and would ever allow anyone else to – and that just wasn’t fair, wasn’t respectful to Severus…  
\- Harry?  
But Severus called him, and Harry turned instantly, cursing, crashing Severus towards him, crashing their bodies towards the wall and bruising those severe, delightful, lonely, sour, straight, perfect, deep, pliable lips with the force of his desperate, demanding kiss.  
\- I want to devour you, so don’t call me if plan to let me go, if you don’t wish to be devoured, if you aren’t prepared for…   
Was it the breeze? Severus shivered in his arms.  
He most definitely _was_ his undoing.  
\- Devour me, ordered Severus, looking him straight in the eye, so Harry did, he slid under all those petticoats and under Severus’s briefs, looking as his neck contracted, as his Adam’s apple bobbed when he slid his calloused hand up and down his shaft, pushing Severus deep into the wall, and nearer to himself, taking him then and there for the first time, in front of his door, leaning on the wall, looking, seeking for any discomfort in those black eyes while their mutual arousal built and came, seeing all the time nothing else than deep-rooted respect and tentative carefulness while sliding down the slope with mutual agreement. And Harry’s palm still held Severus’s cock, twitching and spurting, still palmed it while softening, still held him, his eyes, his prick, his very much soul as if it depended on the shared and unwavering gaze facing the conclusions of that night.  
Thank you.  
Who did it say? Him, or Severus, or didn’t that matter at all for once they were one?  
His palm full of come, he put it on Severus’s hip, watching him for any no, any trace of refusal or doubt or disgust, but thank Merlin, found none. So, he neared, and neared, and neared till he was a mere inch from those lips, the only one existing, and asked:  
\- May I kiss you?  
In way of answer, Severus moved closer, and their lips slided alongside, dancing tentatively this time, trying, finding consensus, withdraw, came back, agreeing, admitting, Harry adoring, Severus trying to believe. Breathing. Simply being there when needed.

Coming back to reality or for any such somersault, ripped out of trance, Severus didn‘t understand: - How can you love me? How can you even stand to touch me?   
\- For all of those years, and for all of those deeds between us, I have yet to find something really repulsive on you, Severus Snape, answered Harry, tucking him back and tucking a loosened strand behind Severus’s ear. – You’re an enigma to me, Severus Snape.  
\- Enigma? You hate riddles.  
\- And on that account, you are wrong. 

As far as Harry was concerned, he should have known and should have expect it, that, a day later, there came no answer when he floo-called Severus, nor was he answering the door-knocking.  
For with pleasure he brought guilt as well and pleasure with guilt he received from Severus. The question, ultimate one, was: How will Severus cope with that? And with the privet coming out of sorts?  
Harry put the flowers and the box of chocolate in front of the door, retreating silently.  
Fucked up, the both of them. But how should he have known in advance?  
For all the thing he wanted to rip apart and for all the hurt he wanted to shout, a tiny bit of hopeful worm clawed at his inside, telling him to just wait that out and see. To be patient and to believe.  
Without any real choice, Harry listened to him, determined to wait.


	14. Chapter 14

This time, there was no apology attached, so Harry was forced to look for Severus.  
And so, he found...  
Harry's eyes were immediately dragged to her. She was dancing on the dance floor, long wavy raven black hair thick and wild, she wore black boots on high heels and the robe... oh my god, the robe was barely covering her big breasts and too thin tights, and her shoulders were nice and round and she was seducing him with her open stare, never stopping dancing to the rhythm. She was a goddess, her half-smile disarming.

The music was sliding and seductive and Severus put his forearms on Harry’s shoulder, swinging to the mood of the tones.

\- What were you doing there?  
\- Nothing.  
\- Potter.  
\- I am a free man. I can go whenever I wish to.  
\- You have no right to stalk me.  
\- That is what for I am a part-time Auror, in the end, and he stood indignantly, hands flailing in the air, - to make sure my friends got safely home, and he made it the end of the conversation.


	15. Chapter 15

\- You didn't come, states Harry.  
\- Hm?  
\- Last evening. You should have come and you didn’t. Are you mad at me?  
\- Why should I be? asked Severus.  
\- For what we did.  
\- As you put it, mister Potter, we _did it. There is no_ sense _in being mad at you for it._  
\- Do you regret it?  
\- Do you ever shut up?  
\- Never.  
There was a silent pause.  
\- Go to your room.  
\- Seve -  
\- Please.  
\- All right. But Harry turned to him before shutting the door. - Just so you know: I will _return._  
\- Fine. Do, as you wish.  
\- Will do, and Harry closed the door. 

__

_For all his immaturity proven by sliding corridors at night, deducting vicious amount of points from students just for existing, not sticking to the rules and moreover indulging in their trysts at the improper time and space, and for the absolute abandon of any left inhibitions when it came to those three miscreants, Potter, Weasley and Granger, and the utmost annoying and annoying yet stupidly lucky so group of their classmate's year, he just knew he was behaving like a child in some aspects, which was only fair for what amount and expense of maturity was expected from him in other aspects and what is really a fun other than a cruel, vicious and sometimes wicked in its hidden cleverness? If he wanted to stay at least most of the day sane, he just had n o other choice and have some... fun... on their expenses. To torment them just brought some deep satisfying sort of amusement in him._  
Severus has been trapped among juveniles for too long.  
But yes, he reflected, and was aware of it to some unclear misty and better not too much dwell on point. However, he still was not jealous of the miscreants to try to procreate and pair under his many castle watches. He didn't feel uneasy and didn't feel any compel to catch up not with his classmates nor later with his students.  
Immersed in knowledge, books and danger, it was a sufficient adrenaline and he despised those idiots for suspecting him he has an affair with Malfoy (whoever), Black, Karkaroff or, god forbid, Lestranger (whichever). And despite student's wild imaginations Death Eaters meetings were not full of sex and rapes of innocent muggles, and their mindless killing just for fun, no, the Dark Lord was much cleverer than to let his black sheep pass like that.  
Even fucking with someone brought exactly that type of vulnerability Severus didn't see any reason to risk.  
That said, being the topic to laugh over for those who suspicioned he never fucked anybody was not easy either, but... at least he was not personally involved nor associated with anybody undesirable (to any of the part) and thus the material to blackmail him was quite low.  
Sometime later, when what they did stood any chance to bear thinking about, he, silently and under lit fireplace, replying the scene in his mind. It brought a pleasure and it brought a painful strand of unexpected feelings where shame dominated. He gulped the alcohol in one go, missing the trace of worthwhileness in doing so. For most of his life he himself was enough - to touch, to smell, to be with. Changing that at this point was such falling out of habit. It was strange. It was messy and disgusting to the point of fascination. It made him feel intrigued in retrospect. Those possibilities.  
Those possibilities.  
So – was he mad? Definitely.  
Does he have any regrets? Many, and most of them might to some level concern Potter, but in all of his life-time guilt, he let him take something Severus was really pure in, which tasted hot and bittersweet and like a well-deserved punishment – so…  
They fucked – subject, they as well might just get over with, not something to feel regret over.  
And Severus drank. 

\- I’m sorry.  
\- You don’t have any reason to be.  
\- I must have. Otherwise, you would talk to me –  
\- I just need time.  
\- I fucked up. Before, at least, we were friends.  
\- Now we aren’t?  
\- If we are, talk to me!  
\- I need more –  
\- - time, yeh. I know. And I don’t wanna loose you. What could I do? What can I do now?  
Severus looked him in the eye: - Wait.  
\- Wait? Wait for what? So you can come up with some stupid excuse to kick me out of your life?  
\- To make my mind.  
\- And what about mine?  
\- You don’t have any in the first place, so you don’t need to make yours.  
\- Fuck you.  
\- That you did.  
\- Not nearly enough if you _need_ to _think_ , to take your _time_. You know what? Take your time and shove it -  
\- Enough!  
\- _You say so!_


	16. Chapter 16

Had Potter been adult ten, twenty years ago, Severus wasn't so sure of himself he would not be swayed, was not so sure he would be as safe as he was back then, when everything went to hell. Would Potter be at the wrong side and had Severus another child to save and protect against the Dark Lord, Severus was not so sure he would be so very deeply thoroughly repentant, unintentionally accompanying the child to his very death, suffering all his tantrums and whims of old fools who tried so intentionally and persistently to strip him of his very last straws of sanity and never letting go of his childhood enemy as well as of his childhood friend, love, world, everything.  
Had Harry Potter been adult ten, twenty years ago, Severus's life would be so much more complicated.  
Thank god there was no such adult Harry Potter ten, twenty years ago.


	17. Chapter 17

Harry dreamt. In the dream, there were Dementors, in the dream, there were boggarts. In the dream, professor Severus Snape came out of the old cupboard in Neville Longbottom’s grandma's robe. In the dream, a big red bag hung from his forearm, the vulture hat sat on his head, and big long fur fox collar sat on his shoulders. Then he turned, and Harry's mouth fell open. There was nothing on the length of his naked back and his thin firm arse showing the crease to the eyes of the audience, to the world alone and Harry got sickly jealous and possessive over the firm arse, of the world seeing what should not be allowed to be seen... by anyone other than Harry. And no stockings and no boots on his pale feet and oh my god, please!  
It was a mesmerising sight to watch him turn with enigma written all over his thin face and delectable features, and the soft of his face peeking out on him from under the hat, looking and not looking at him at the same time. His exposed pale skin, the length of his kissable neck, the planes of his back, begging Harry to touch them. Please.

\- Potter, try to not take it personally. I have... a heavy sigh followed. - So many things I am not prepared for ahead, awaiting. I just - I don’t want to complicate things. Nor am I prepared to loose you. It was a mistake. If you can, please, forgive me. Friendship is for what I am grateful. Somebody to rely on. Please, be that constant in my life. Don't leave me. Be my friend.  
Albeit reluctantly, Harry was. And he didn’t leave him.

That day Harry announced he will go to Ministry, for Kingsley fire-called him. Severus nodded and let him go.  
When Harry returned, Severus was not at Hogwarts.  
A letter awaited him on the desk of his table, stating Severus had a date.  
Fuck that.  
Harry was suddenly very happy that he signed for the Ministry contract and all the hesitation an uncertainty disappeared too. He knew Severus was not approving of him working as an Auror.  
He didn’t remember giving him any permission to run away on a date without him accompanying him, so fuck his allowing Harry anything too.  
So, just because he felt like it was no longer his place, he grudgingly cooled off, allowing Severus to have his date even with his mind, on his own, trusting that whoever Severus invited or took invitation from, was a decent guy.  
The scroll of parchment signed by his hand, officially announcing him a new addition to the Auror corpse, albeit part-time, awaited in Harry’s pocket and Harry took it, unscrolling it and putting it at the table. Finally, when he had it, he didn’t know what to do with it, his happiness dampened; he was feeling sour and miserable, not having anybody here to discuss it with or let a certain important man berate him for signing it in the first place. Well… time to prepare – prepare for return and prepare for celebration, for it was a half-year now, and he already thought he will remain in trial period forever.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, thanks for all those kudos. I would like to warn you that few chapter from now on there will be a mention of attempted rape and... well, see the new tags above.
> 
> It might be skipped.
> 
>  
> 
> In the meanwhile, have a nice reading.

So, when his door-bell rang, and because Harry expected Severus to come back and talk about his date, it was with too amused-excited-happy-overjoyed expression Harry answered the door. Harry, who takes a life as it is and is grateful for it and is happy for Severus and for himself, so the first thing was he opened the door, turning his back to the door and Severus immediately, not wanting to ruin the mood, cheerily blabbering with wide smile and summoning glasses and a champagne, singing: - Finally, we signed the contract. Kingsley was unbelievingly sweet about the whole process, saying they might forecall me tomorrow morning and giving me a case already. We shall celebrate – your first official date and me – officially being an Auror at the same time. We succeeded. And moreover, you shall see me in red once again more often from now on, so I sincerely hope you are… looking forward to it –  
The door clicked shut – eerily silently. And the sobs pierced through Harry’s ears, and entered Harry’s brain. Not comprehending the thing at all, Harry took a grip of his bubbling and simmering jealousy and turned to look at Severus – who, dressed as a date dictated, mascara smeared all over his face, was crying, lower lips trembling, not looking him in the eye, holding one of his arms with another together with a handbag.  
Harry put the glasses and bottle down, coming to him, taking him around shoulders, and leading him to the sofa, sitting with him and asking him, what happened all at once.  
\- H-he told me he is d-disgusted. T-that with some fucking old trans-bitch, who doesn’t even know what she wants, he will not waste his time, repeated Severus Harry him those unbelievably cruel words and, shaking, started to cry. – He said I’m too manly for his liking, but that’s not my fault. I know that and I try hard… really, and I – ... a sob escaping halted her words and she started to tremble in Harry’s arms in earnest.  
\- You are not too manly, muttered Harry into Severus's hair. - In fact, you are unbelievably hot.  
\- Am I... sob and unstick herself from Harry, - hot to you? asked Severus, looking him in the eye tentatively.  
\- Too much so, answered Harry, sliding along his lank hair, - dangerously.  
Black eyes darkened, Severus's Adam’s apple bobbed.  
The fire cracked, making shadows and islands of light.  
Suddenly, Harrys fingers was tangled in Severus’s hair, his hand in fist and Severus's tongue was in Harry's mouth, too deep, making it hard for him to breathe, his pelvis with semi-erect penis poking him into his pelvis, as Severus dragged him on top of himself, forcing him to lie on top of him.  
In mere seconds, Harry was opening Severus's bra to push it aside and pinch his nipple, trying to control himself as Severus was writhing beneath him, making mewling noises to support Harry and bring them to the aim.  
Then, all of a sudden, Severus tore apart from him, gasping, repeating softly: I can't - We - I can't - not now, not like that -  
Harry backed up.  
Severus caught the movement despite his bewildered, haunted, perplexed unbelieving expression. He was scared: - I'm so sorry, he breathed out, looking as if swallowing sour lemon.  
\- You’ve been living so long like a monk. It is understandable it will be hard at first.  
\- Don’t go, ordered Severus sharply, grasping his arm desperately, looking haunted at the signed contract laying on the table.

\- I will not, blinked Harry, confounded. – I will just help. It will be a part time job, as it is now. There is just a contract finally. I stay as Hogwart’s teacher full-time, I promise.  
\- No, you don’t understand. It is dangerous job. Too much for you. Stay.  
\- Ah, sighed Harry sad inexplicably so, - Severus…  
\- You’ll not listen to me, stated Severus with freezing calm.  
\- In this? No.  
\- You don’t care who will you hurt in your selfish decision-making, blamed him Severus.  
Harry looked him in the eye for long, crossing his arms around his chest.  
\- You don’t care either.  
\- What do you mean?  
\- You don’t wanna to live and experience those things with me, that is what hurt the most.  
Severus opened and closed his mouth, frozen. – It is not like that.  
\- Not like that… Harry chuckled mirthlessly. - You let some other guy hurt you, break you, and I should be the one who will put you together, yelled Harry. - Is it convenient for you? Do you enjoy making me feel like a shit? While it should be me whose shoulder you cry onto, there is a perfectly sane and safe thing to do if you – you don't want to be broken, Severus! I offered you to be with me.  
\- I can’t.  
\- I would never -  
\- It's too complicated with you, Potter -  
\- Why? - _Why?!_  
\- It's - there is - too much connection involved, too much memories, too much -  
\- Don't give me that crap, Severus, you know I deserve better -  
\- emotions.  
There. Something wild and raw run across Severus's features, his posture, the way he looked and how his mouth was set changed. - I wouldn't stand it, to loose you over something so dispensable as _fucking_.  
\- There, breathed Harry out, something in him clicked and changed completely, his posture no longer taunt and wary, something in those words made complete sense to his utterly destroyed, utterly devastated, desolated and deserted world.  
\- What? those words, the question itself was drawn form Severus's mouths, forced to the face and light of the life of living souls, nearly against his will, because Potter's posture _said so_.  
\- There was a mistake, a misunderstanding in the communication, it seems, and therefore you are wrong, because, you know, somehow Potter got into his personal space, taking his face into his ice-cold palms, forcing him to look him in the eye in the act, his eyes glittering madly and mirthless, a true sight of a madman, - the whole time you are talking about _fucking_ , I was meaning relationship, devotion and love. Nothing more, then his whole body was devoured by one possessive kiss from the small and gentle wizard, who saved their life and world, and there was no room for protests, for anything at all really, other than to respond in kind.  
And in kind Severus did answer.


	19. Chapter 19

__

He watched Harry in so blatant wonder of why he wasn’t overjoyed with his state that Harry nearly choked with the vile bile he had to swallow not to answer too harsh:  
\- Who do you take me for, Severus? Somebody you can hurt by being hurt and he will, just by an accident, survive the pain?  
\- Potter, you are overly dramatic.  
\- Do you think so?  
\- Definitely.  
\- Then you don’t know me at all.

\- Reading makes me always horny, murmured Harry into Severus's shoulder. Severus shivered, then shoved Harry's attempts away. - What? Are you doing this on purpose?  
\- Oh, have you ever read like 360 pages in one hour. With understanding? Page by page, word by word? No? Then after you experience this, let's talk about any excitement on your part what-so-ever, and Severus put a peck on the tip of Harry's nose, affectionate, but nothing more, standing up and letting Harry fall on his face on the bed, frankly safely soft surface to land on.  
Then he turned, saying: - You are amusing when playing an aeroplane. With something softer than a smirk but something so resembling it on his face he opened the door and disappeared from the room, leaving Harry in that state on his bed without any satisfaction.

\- You can't be serious!  
\- Why not?  
\- You teach! You have to like at least some of them.  
\- Not really.  
\- You lead a whole house! You must have some favourite students there!  
\- As I said...  
\- You must have loved Dumbledore. You died for him!  
\- ...before - no, in fact I died for -  
\- You visit every quidditch practice your Slytherins do! You must like them!  
\- I don't like people, Potter.  
\- No, just - no!  
\- The crap they are talking, the topics that are not worth listening to, the idiotic thoughts that mostly lead them to their premature death, the grand ideas that serve a better greater purpose which, by rule, ends like utter shit, those absurdities they stuff as filling of their lives, the conversations where no one listens anybody, the games they play to look smarter and brighter and cleverer and friendlier then is their real nature, the betrayals which are petty and smells of flaws of character, the inability to never come up with any solid solution, I despise that all it takes is one stupid thing to say or do and all those idiots would like to kill themselves over one another to repeat it replicate and reproduce it, making it a whole new batch, bunch of original new mistakes.  
\- Oh, fuck that crap! Isn't this all shit about 'not liking people' just about being too scared to not find in them what you want to find?  
\- And what would that be, Potter? asked Severus.  
Harry’s face got askew: - No. Just fuck no, I won’t tell after you gave me lecture from philosophy, or any such nonsense, just to sound stupid, simpleton and moronic, giving you the opportunity to mock me and mock the truth that you just cant grasp for its simplicity, no. If and when you give me the credit to talk first, then I will tell.  
\- Do as you think, answered Severus loftily.  
\- Well, then I may fuck you over this table, right? Asked Harry, grinning when the last thing that was heard from Severus was the chair falling on the flor as he was running out of the door, indignantly hissing all the way.


	20. Chapter 20

There was something obscene to the amount of knowledge Potter had about him, and it was fascinating how much understanding cretin such as Potter (a Potter's kind and heritage, Potter's breed really, anything near Potter gene and genetic material animated and very much persistently obstinately obtrusively alive) proven to the material and subject studied.  
Was it unnerving to be understood to this extent? Yes, it was.  
Fascinating. And unnerving. And abnormal. And abysmally wrong. Yet very much pleasant in the sterile, observant sort of view.  
In the clinical precision of it.  
Had it make him feel creepy? Yes, oh, yes.  
\- I am not your student, Severus, spat Harry angrily, nor am I undecisive, so, please, if you don't want me, do make me the favour and SAY SO, NOW.  
Had I been a better man, I wouldn't have to consider to whom I would allow to fuck me, to cheat on me, to be brute and nasty on me, had I been better man, I would not have to think about it in advance of any really chance to really be fucked by a guy who happens to be interested.  
Maybe it would not be such an issue would that guy not be Potter.)  
But as it was, it was Potter Severus pondered about, and it was Potter who Severus was considering to let anywhere near him. And being an optimist, he choose to consider actually the best result of they happily and long lived life - for better ending it was, really, to let somebody cheat and hurt him for fucking protracting months and years because why should he be unhappy when both of them lived and what they could, they took from one another years ago? What is there to mourn? Despite hurting, he knew it do a man better, it do man a justice.

Carnal pleasures.  
Carnal pleasures.  
Carnal pleasures.  
Fuck, Severus, the carnal pleasures.

There. Potter's body held no compulsion nor desire to fuck or be fucked by it. He possessed no hidden talents, not wide chest, nor broad shoulders, he might from time to time be all devils if it counted, but he was not a striking one who could you not miss would he be not the boy who lived, you would just pass him net being any wiser, not feeling the remnants of any remorse over passed chance. He was not any god in bed either, not skilled to pleasure man by blowjob, no hidden skills, not strict, not loose, not imaginative. He was just like any other walking the street. He was not talented nor overly clever.  
Plain to looks, below average height.  
So he really didn't know why he was even considering him.  
There was no excitement in being caught with a student since Potter was not, or ex-student, for who cared?, and there was absolutely not pleasure in being caught with current colleague, in fact - it was most unpleasant and inconvenient to be involved with a colleague. It spoke volumes of ones tastes and lack of opportunities. It was the most boring thing to do once everybody found out. Few relationship survived that.  
Potter's features lost now nearly all the childhood and youth they possessed just few – one and a half? Two? – years ago. He was, for all purposes, adult now and looked like one.  
He was not attracted to Potter's long muscular arms for he possessed none, and he was definitely drawn to power of the Saviour, for after defeating Voldemort, there was not any trace of extraordinary from Potter. And were there by any such things, Severus would be the first to leave Great Britain and run far, far away to a deserted place where no one could find him for he had enough of madman’s good ideas and plans how to save world, especially because it usually involved him in the least favourable way.  
He was the opposite of attractive, already, he looked like a goodhearted man, cute at places, silly sometimes, asking all the wrong questions in the wrong times, and socially clumsy too the point of cuteness, a decent person starting to bald, who would be once a really good dad to his kids and who would always be the good second choice of those pretty attractive young woman who were too disappointed with Casanovas and dandies, percussionists, good-looking her age. Wise choice, but second one.  
There was nothing wrong with second choices.  
Severus would not be anyone's tenth choice, as he assessed it.  
Which was not what claimed Minerva or Poppy or madam Pince about him, when engaging in self- deprecating and self-to-the-shreds-tearing conversations.  
And aside of their own privet arguments, Severus very doubted Potter could be much of a fun on his own.  
What made Potter the Potter in all his glory would be, in the end, him - Severus Snape, his old mean constantly berating and complaining professor, who would always weight him down, anchor him, then wind him up for his own delight with one comment.

When angry or aggravated, it didn't suit him. He got really ugly in facial expression and reminded him more of his father, James Potter.  
Unperfect in every way possible or imaginable, he loved him.  
That said, they didn't share any hobbies, nor kinks, nor any fucking sole thing – they didn't have literally anything in common except some doubtful past, the war and Lily (Lily over Potter, really).  
What a virtual relationship would that be?  
Where are the plans for future? Any agreement on any of the basic things? Sharing time? Sharing thoughts? Sharing any basics about one another except the bodily fluids of hormonal storm?  
There was just no fucking thing to build a relationship, albeit friendship, on, fuck it all!

So really he did not know why he was considering him.  
And it was so fucking hard to fall in love to a _personality_ , such a boring unimaginative thing to do. It was not visible, it was here just when one was not asleep. You could not play with it not step over it and continue, because it always stood in the way of really happy and uncomplicated life.

You didn’t watch your steps, he mocked himself afterwards. You wasn’t paying attention at all.  
Congratulations.  
Your days as a reliable spy are now finally over and you – in a twisted sort of way – are definitely free.  
Whether you want it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little apology. I decided to incorporate the attempted rape cause I liked the dynamics of the two of them afterwards. I was considering to not put it in here, to write a second, akin story with that. But then again… I changed my mind. I wrote it for this story as much as the other parts. So - sorry. It may be skipped. I don't wanna torture you with that unnecessarily. As you can see - it will be in the next.  
> Thank you for reading so far.


	21. Chapter 21

Thought. A childish rhyme or some such things. Easy to remember, hard to scrape out of memory: and it's fresh, human-fresh, human-fresh, human's... flesh.  
Hot and searing pain shot through him, so Severus had to close his eyes and with all his might he tried only hiss through clenched teeth instead of unabashed screams his insides wanted to emanate.  
Ultimately, all must die. Not everybody has to hurt to such extents.  
Every move hurt.  
It set every fibre of his being alive on fire.  
Sweat started pouring uncontrollably down his body.  
Sticky armpits, back and back of trousers. Tights. Upper and forearms.  
\- Not being so sure of yourself, are we? Mocked him Bellatrix’s voice. She hated him, he hated her.  
Now, she was gone and he suffered the memories on her nasty vicious cruel voice.  
Kicking her to the ribs, he was being kicked now.  
The dark mark started bleeding mercilessly, never allowing him to finally die.  
The wound of Naginy torn apart anew.

 

They caught him when he run away from Potter’s watchful eyes once again, claiming to be able to look after himself, being the adult one.  
Now, he was crouched on the frozen ground in foetus position and he tried to cover his head with his hands, listening and letting them to pee on him and to cover him with semen.  
Low profile, Severus, you can do that, Severus, think of Harry, Severus, and how he would kill you if you let them to kill you first. Oh god, Harry will kill those men for that, Severus had no doubt about that. It will be so fucking painful.  
\- You are such an abomination, Snape, you are a travesty, and you should be absoluted the first time you awoke, and the bigger one spit at him.  
Then one of the man vanquished his trousers and the talking one crouched behind him, whispering with his meaty lips straight to his ear: - It is told: Merry girl cannot be misused. I wonder if that is true –, and stuck his dry cock inside him, tearing him apa…  
Several things happened at once.  
Several loud cracks were heard in the forest. One of the man shouted and… there was no tearing apart at all, the drunk man pissing his aim by wide.  
Severus felt the sliding, forced on all four, his brain surely playing trick at his vision since in the sight, he saw the meaty-lipped man running wild deeper to the forest.  
His heart racing wildly.  
If there was no penetration, why his hole hurt and how did he knew the man had used no lubrication?  
Severus’s consciousness give u first, giving the way to his arms.  
And through his brain still raced the thought, before anybody reached him:  
lower lip bitten through, not crying. Never. Leaving his body completely to live in better life than this. No harm in letting them do whatever to his body, no matter how many, no matter how much, no matter how many times, in what positions and how many at the same time.  
No.  
They will not have him.  
Not them.  
Because it doesn’t matter in the end. In the end, it never does

They nearly killed him, he was beaten, nearly raped and they somehow managed to plug his mouth so he couldn't breathe without letting their fingers behind for Severus surely tried to bite them off for their trying to shut him up? Harry was the first of his impromptu, hastily organised squad, which found the location. He was bruised, half-frozen to death, lying beside the pond. Harry bend over him immediately, so he could carefully wrap him into his habit, then threw the blanket offered to him by Ron over Severus and raised him to the back of Neffy, the thestral he kind of owned (stolen from Hogwarts’s ground, of course she lived and was fed and helped in Hogwarts). So now, when they raced through deep cold night, Harry pressed the unmoving limp body, covered only halfway, to his chest, being careful not to drop him, not to hurt him further, praying to the full moon to help them, to save Severus, to make it in time to the hospital wing. He felt Severus’s heart beat into his palm.)


	22. Chapter 22

Shit, shit, shit. By the time they got to Hogwarts, Severus was cold and freezing, his palms two icicles, clutching to Harry desperately.  
He returned home.  
Head tucked under Harry’s chin. Slightly shivering. Fingers wrapped around his cloak, dragging Harry nearer him, not letting him go. Greasy hair clinging to his chin and lips and sometimes getting into his mouth.  
He returned home.  
Totally naked under the blanket, corner of lips torn, bloodied and swollen. Smelling of piss not his own. Hurt. And Harry couldn’t help himself and gripped the hip of Severus’s freezing body tighter, never letting go, memory of the sparse haired chest, breakable bones and flat stomach, where the excessive skin due to his foetal posture now rolled in waves, sticking to the muscles underneath, too long legs, hairy too, and the shape of chest, back and head being together like that – naked – despite the short time of exposure etched to his memory and mind, to his very soul, now firmly shown behind his closed eyelids.  
He returned home.  
The shallow breaths, the tremor, the hurt high sharply short and scared, unsure sounds escaping now and then from his slightly parted bluish lips. Harry tried to warm him. Harry tried to make him calm. Harry tried very hard not to stand up, get out his wand and go find those shits who did this to Severus, forced himself very painfully so to stay calm and still and support Severus’s back and Severus’s getting to normal state and Severus’s composing himself back, – letting the other to raise and get off the two slimy disgusting waste of spaces out of their commitment to life. Or rather – to arrest them until Harry get them into his hands (fists – and that shall be very long and painful evening for those two).  
And he returned home. Oh god, my god, he returned home.  
Humbled. He felt very humbled by the opportunity to be here with Severus, to stay by his side, to keep him alive and sane, if it needs to be so. The overwhelming sense of tenderness and responsibility blossomed in him, and he tried from every fibre of his being to let him know that, to make him connect to that link to life, not to something horrible in front of which he will have to try to run off and hide to survive. So, he lightly put his palm to his knees and started running his palm up and down the length of it, trying to calm him, to anchor him, to be there for him and let that be known in the simplest yet the strongest way possible. Through the connection between their bodies, through the admiration to his mind and soul. It was silent yet totally honest celebration of Severus’s Snape very soul and Harry didn’t want to let even the slightest doubt creep between that, his intentions and his actions.  
Hell, he wasn't sure he succeeded as he might even have tried to get him seduced by it unintentionally for the way Severus stopped shaking and breathing and watched him avidly without blinking, wary and then calmly watching the movements of Harry’s unstoppingly sliding hand.

Then, after sickeningly long time, Severus calmed enough to finally, after the stressful events of the day, fell asleep even with Harry still present and stroking him.

The first time Severus regained consciousness was dreadful:  
\- I went just home. - They tried to rape me! Severus started to sob dry, desperately, hiding in Harry’s broad shoulder, confused, not knowing what to do.  
\- Shhh, it is all right, everything will be all right. Shhh.  
And yet Harry knew two things all at once. He will try the bastard and he should off himself for he somehow managed to disappoint in his only duty – to protect Severus.

Some bigoted pig-heads. Hate for the Death Eaters, hate for the differences – homophobes. The perpetrators were caught by Ron and the herd several hours later. Those bints hurt his Severus out of spite and excessive consummation of alcohol.  
Fuck.  
They nearly raped – killed – raped him.  
Harry returned home, fallen asleep and dream-remembered, never-one in his life being so scared of anybody else’s life (for in war, there was no time for fearing, just for loosing people, and for that there was always plenty of time). So Harry returned home from the hearings and dreamed.  
Harry raged. Why he had to find Severus like that? He wanted to cry, so scared he was for his life. He held Severus while clutching the thestral running through the forest to not drop, to make it, to... then Severus stirred, and a painful moan emitted from his bloodied and bruised lips.  
\- Shhh, shhh, shhh, calmed him Harry, - it will be all right soon, shhh, rest now, rest. It was that moment that Harry swore he will never ever let him go anywhere alone.  
Never. Whatever It takes.  
It seemed to be the final change, the step to other realm, to other new level of change of the Severus Snape as everybody knew him. To the new world.

And, after awakening, he must agree with his dream-self.  
He will never ever let Severus go anywhere alone. Ever.


	23. Chapter 23

When Severus awoke again, they finally talked.  
\- I am so sorry, murmured Harry, litany of apologies slipping easily to his lips and foremind.  
\- Don’t be, it was not your fault.  
\- I should have protected you. I swore -  
\- You wouldn’t be the first one to not met his promises.  
\- That was different, complained Harry.  
\- I don’t think so, answered Severus. And tentatively his hand raised, making the blanket fall and reminding them once again how wholly naked Severus really was under it and how fully and awfully dressed really was only to cup his cheek in his palm. From the corner of Harry’s eye slided a tear. Harry hurriedly and angrily so rubbed it off to his sleeve, but Severus’s much gentler fingertips trailed its path again.  
\- But really, it was my fault, and I know it, I should not run away like that. So please, just stop that.  
I was very much so not your fault. - All right.  
\- Promise me you won’t do something utterly and inexcusably stupid.  
Harry laughed then, two other tears falling down, looking anywhere but at Severus. – Like what? Cheating on you?  
\- Like chasing the men. Promise me you will let the Aurors do the job.  
_I won't do that, we caught them and sentenced already._ \- I am – an Auror, too, you know, reminded him Harry, looking at him straight all of a sudden.  
\- Promise me, Severus whispered harshly, forcefully.  
\- No. I won’t do that, answered Harry, only to be rewarded – or punished? – for that answer by very fragile yet very demanding mouth of Severus Snape descending onto his lips, even forcing them briefly apart, then breaking the kiss, whispering:  
\- You have the reason to live if I have a reason to live and I have a reason to live if you are alive, please, do not spoil it, don’t forget, and very quickly after that his tired body fell asleep.

Harry stood up and bent down to kiss Severus's hair, not minding he didn't get the chance to tell Severus yet. Plenty of time when he woke up.

 _I feel dirty and undeserving. Unreal. Used. I feel naïve and old. When everything is spinning round and round, I know I don't belong here, no, I don't no longer belong here._

When Harry returned from fetching the dinner at the kitchen, he found Severus slowly and agitatedly swinging back and forth in front of the fireplace, shaking slightly and murmuring something at the rug.  
\- What happened? asked Harry naively, hoping still that Severus state was caused by some message of a think like that, but no.  
\- What happened, repeated Severus slowly, and with measured pace, looking at something unseeable. - They raped me, that is what happened. And you try to pretend that nothing happened, he added viciously, the words spat at Harry's direction.  
What? Where did that come form?, asked Harry himself, then calmed.  
Severus was seriously hurt. There was absolutely nothing strange about Seeing the man so low after that.  
They got him, and that alone must have shaken with Severus's world.  
Understandable.  
Not easy to see and witness, but understandable.  
For it was only… how many? Twelve hours since he brought him back? \- You were not raped, Severus. We reached you first. We reached you. Harry stroked his back. First.  
\- Then why I felt it? Why I felt it on me?  
\- Calm down, slow down. It was just a panic attack. Calm down, slow down. Breathe.  
Harry waited until Severus calmed down aproprietly, before resuming stroking his back and murmuring softly: - When we returned, you were thoroughly examined not only by me, but as well by Poppy and her acquaintance from St. Mungos. If you don't trust me on this, and if you don't believe the Aurors, then ask her. And you were not raped before. Poppy said there was no tearing on your -  
\- Enough, Severus raised his hand from below the duvet draped around his shoulders, stopping Harry, not looking at him, - enough. I believe you.  
Harry breathed out silently, stopping then resuming the stroking again: - Right. I am glad. For I am not lying to you, Severus.  
\- I know, answered Severuus silently, slowly lulled to sleep by Harry's hand.

_The food felt tasteless. More like swallowing ash and sandpaper.  
Severus continued eating._

_The need to scrub himself until he bleeds was overwhelming, surprisingly so since Severus knew it won' help anybody and will do him no service at all. He closed the tap, hypnotising the scup, imagining how scales of skin peel of off his body, until he erases himself from the Earth for good. He imagined how Potter returned home – meaning his pitiful rooms or Spinner’s End, knock at his bathroom door and finds pile of his scrubbed body on the floor, the thing that remained after him. When the knock really came, Severus was still hypnotising the scrub, not paying any attention to the door. \- Severus? Warm palm touched his shoulder, - I’m sorry. You were here over an hour now. Are you all right? No. – Yes. \- Liar. Brat. Moron. Idiot. Child. Nuisance. \- You wanna play something? \- Not particularly. \- Hmmm, Potter deflated. – Well, we might always take the scrub to the room. \- And dirty all of the sheets with blood? No. \- Oh. Fuck, Potter paled carefully, hypnotising the scrub now. Opening and closing his plush lips. Fuck. It was Severus’s turn to worry about Potter, urging him from the bathroom and ushering him to sit down on the sofa in the living room.  
\- Water? \- No, thank you. \- No who is the liar, scoffed Severus and brought the liquid anyway. \- Take it. \- I don’t want you to hurt yourself, said Potter with wide eyes, sipping the water slowly. \- I won’t. \- No – I mean it. \- Me too. \- Fine. Please? Severus’s staring down at him, nodded mutely. _

__

_\- We can walk._  
\- I dont want to -  
\- Don't let this kill your heart.  
How ridiculously simple. That was all it took for Harry. To ask. And Severus complied. 

__

His intention was to create a potion which would change his body into women’s; he started with that. Nothing more, nothing less, no more feeling secure in his body with his face and his past. Not after the thawed attempt of rape. That became something to occupy his mind with, that has become his purpose of life after a while after what happened. That was what he wanted to achieve. And he went after it hard


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And since now on the consequences to the most. Thank you for your patience and for the kudos.

Of course, that was not how all of that started off. Severus wanted some sort of security, feeling safe, and what could possibly be safer than to be a completely different person when going out. And that wish fulfilled Polyjuice Potion just well.  
Somehow, no matter what clothes, perfumes and faces Severus wore, Potter always found him, more like hunted him down, recognising him with annoying surety, then watching him, drinking him down, every of his move, every of his alien-smile on stranger's faces, every drop of eyes, Potter copied with his eyes, sipping a drink or two down, gulping his new body and movements down, adoring him.  
And Severus felt secure. First annoyed, then depressed and then, after a while, when everything seemed to quiet a notch, he really felt secure under Auror Potter's security, so that one day, he stopped changing his demeanour and donor of hair every occasion he got out, so that he stabilised on one, two, three sure women. So that finally, after agonising and slow-going several months he finally concluded he - and those who were like him - deserved to have one body, their own body, to experience those feeling, that could provide them only the body of the opposite sex.   
Fuck the moral issue and those pig-headed who claimed they had right to know in which body was person born. If Severus succeeded, it wouldn't matter since it would be fully functioning, albeit new body of man and woman with the ability to have children, so what would it matter if she was born as a boy?  
That was the moment Severus started developing the potion in earnest, that was the moment he decided he wanted to try to have his life and its feelings back. That was the moment he decided he wanted nothing more and nothing less than to be him himself.  
So, the creation began.  
A moment of passion. A moment of confession. A moment of compassion.  
And Severus finally started to love without reservation, and with devastating fragility and tenderness one green-eyed and maybe clumsy, but desperately honest and innocent Harry Potter.  
While brewing a potion that may very well alienate him in the long shot.  
Yet Severus after so many years clutched a hope near to his heart, desperately wishing if he succeeds to make himself a woman indefinitely, Potter will not turn him away and won't send him back to the deepest of depths of despair by sending him away and setting his progress back.  
No.  
He believed Potter and he believed even if he would not stand him after the change as his, he would not make something hurtful to kill him.  
No.  
For that Potter was too kind, too soft-hearted person, too noble to commit such a crime on himself, more so that he could wreak on Severus's already damaged.  
After such a terrible long while of his life, Severus finally believed.  
And believed in a person he did.  
More so, in something so flimsy as Potter's personality and spirit.  
And that would do for now to carry the deed out for now.  
Then he would love him first before admitting anything to him - to commit him to his memory. In any way Potter decides to.  
Only after that he was amenable to admit anything.  
Never before.

It was nothing so flashy as a loudly stated declaration of intent, but Harry knew something was off, wrong or changing. Harry felt and saw it in Severus's demeanour, his determination, his strong will and intent in tandem, working day and night, barely eating, barely sleeping, not talking at all, hardly concentrating on the tasks at hand.  
When he started to detach himself, to pull away and warried, whenever Harry he entered the door, whenever the door opened, Harry knew something is happening. He just thought it was all about the kidnapping, never allowing himself suspecting more, even though he did.  
Yeah, Harry knew something was in the air.  
That was days, maybe weeks before the new potion was born, and with him – Severina. Or was it Selena? Sometimes Salma. Or Severa, Serva and Severita.  
For Harry, no matter who she was, it was always the Princess.  
And, the truth buried deep down in him, for who wants to scare of his soon-or-someday-to-be wife?, it should be his queen.

Did they argue? Oh fuck, yeah they did. Sometimes it was even worse than their arguments from Potter’s childhood. But… they stayed true to their mutual whatever it was they had and whatever it was between them, always coming back to one another.

\- Where did you go?! Shouted Potter at him.  
\- Nowhere. What were you doing there? Shouted Severus back.  
\- Nothing, spat Potter.  
\- Really, Potter. Again?  
\- Yeah. Again! I am a free man and I can go whenever I wish to!  
\- You still have no right to stalk me, answered Severus subdued somehow.  
\- You have no right to come home beaten, bruised and nearly raped, Severus, so please, excuse me, but I shall tend for your safety even if you wish me not to, the heart beaten hard. It was the fiercest defence ever. So, Severus, albeit reluctantly, viciously put that act out of his mind by breaking it in half and hurtfully dragging it out to nonexistence, destroying.  
\- You will never chase me ever again, is that clear?  
And Potter, in all of his cocky audacity, crossed arms on his breasts, asking: - You wanna bet? Sir? He added insolently, then left, the door banging loud and creaking warningly and mendaciously in hinges, leaving Severus bereft and alone once again, as he well wished to be.  
The traitors.


	25. Chapter 25

Even Malfoys for being pricks and bastards all their goddamned lives tried to help Severus. So here they were, on an event for prominent people prepared by them.  
On the first sight it was recognisable something about them was off. They were known for being famous, or rich, or mighty or talented or something, and more so importantly – they wanted to come out. It was not even a big deal for Draco to take care of it, albeit Lucius Malfoy for all his flaws and shortcomings was the one who hosted it and together with his wife reared the whole thing.  
So that Severus could share publicly and be among his kind.  
Harry applauded that, though he must have admitted he was not completely himself, being among them, marginalised in his boring normalcy, trying to smile off anybody who noticed him.  
As for the state of their friendship for the first time in a long time, Harry wasn't sure nor was he prepared to know. Were they friends now? Enemies? Rivals? Did they fuck, did they ever love each other? Just - no. So, impatiently, he waited for Severus to come down from Narcissa Malfoy’s bedroom and impatiently sipped his drink while pondering how the whole clothes-and-change-things began – this very evening – at his very rooms – him thinking that it was another muggle club they were meant to attend to.  
Not such a luck this time, as he well knew when he opened his door to cloudy-looking Severus Snape – the bastard professor.  
Then again, it was the first moment and he lived in the pleasurable oblivion, thinking that Severus’s nervousness was simply about his new attire.  
Fuck, but the ripped corset was expensive.

\- Do not wear them.  
\- What? asked Harry perplexed.  
\- Corsets - and he reached with his hand and jerked with the laces, so it fell of off Harry's body and hit the ground, - stockings, tights, eye-shadows, lipsticks - do not wear them, said Severus nearly angry now.  
\- Why? asked Harry in his too dark eyeshadows and too big eyelashes glued on his upper eye-lids, looking totally debauch able yet wrong somehow, somehow off.  
\- Because, Severus took a deep breath, - because you don't wear them, because that you want to wear them, but because of me.  
\- So? asked Harry nonchalantly, and, turning his back to Severus, started applying the lip-gloss, the glitters flashing wildly in the dim light. And Severus has none of it. He made a step and turned Harry violently back toward himself to look him in the eye and shake him.  
\- Stop it, squealed Harry in that moment the plastic tube with lipstick fell of his fingers to the ground.  
\- No, you stop it, Potter.  
\- You need your support. In short, you need me there!  
It was grotesque, having Harry Potter in his arms in denim, with the pattern of corset still lingering to his skin, and with flashing all over his face screaming: I am a drag queen, looking debauchable, yet wrong in both good and bad ways and Severus had enough. He shook him one more time before stating: - What I love on you is not your support, Potter, but the fact that someone normal - even though too dense for his own good, cares. Does not see me as a farce, broken toy, parody of myself or as a pity case. Can even get excited by me, or intrigued by what I wear or look like for that day, and I love how naturally you took such an abomination -  
\- Severus - enough, warned him Harry meekly, but Severus just had none of it, had enough.  
\- No, Potter, listen. I love the way you show that you care, really care, that you are even amenable to integrate a daily or so visits to me and look impressed by what I have to show you somehow without appearing as looking on an animal in a zoo or a clown in the circuit which is access better more than I could hope for when I found out, BUT - I love that it is someone normal, even ordinary who cares and doesn't judge, can you comprehend that, Potter? Can you comprehend that it is part of your appeal for me, that and the fact you are probably the only normal thing in my life at the moment and I don’t want to give up on it just for that.  
Now, every trace of playfulness gone, Potter looked him in the eye, even angry and serious, stating: - 'am not letting you go anywhere without a guard. The last time you did, you ended up nearly dead. You might fuck your way to Ontario for what I care, but not endanger yourself further, am I clear, Severus?  
And Severus ice-cold hand fell off Harry like before the lipstick and the corset. He had no idea Harry knew what he was doing while away from him, on the parties.  
Burned, he whispered: - You are not the one who want to wear them.  
Harry’s eyes flashed with something – understanding? And hurt, definitely hurt.  
\- I don’t exactly mind either.  
\- Which is… not the same –  
\- - not the same. Harry nodded: - All right.


	26. Chapter 26

Severus acquiesced tacitly for Potter to chaperone him. It was a disaster for Severus didn’t find one single soul interested that day in anything, really, as he well predicted when taking Potter with him; he used that opportunity to mock him the whole night. Of course, they ended up entangled at one other’s hair. The ended up arguing about their points the whole night, in fact.   
\- If you want talk than talk, snide Severus.  
\- For you I have no use other than talk. Save it. It won’t help you if they attack you again! For you I am good _only_ to _talk_. Which Harry right now despised.  
\- Do you have any other means of use?  
\- As much as it might surprise you, Severus, glared at him Potter, - I am as well good to fuck, teach, make money and save ungrateful people’s arses, so, by all means, continue to taunt me. And Harry’s eyes flashed with hurt and anger.  
Silence.  
\- Don’t you see? Burst Potter – Harry – out. – Try it with me, you fool! I swear – I just make sure no one will hurt you, not in that way, all right? No harm I will ensure to you. I will not – in whatever you do – just – escort you home, I swear. No – no, calm - I promise I won't hurt – all right? – won’t hurt you, or anyone, yes? Now. Better -?  
A pause, then: - Very well, be my guardian.  
\- Thank you, sighed Harry with relief.

 

Try it with me, _those words haunted Severus’s dreams since that night.  
When thinking about Harry, a warmth spread in his chest and abdomen, he couldn't help it. Whether it was because he was a hero of the wizarding world pche), or whether because he somehow managed to worm his path into his own life and managed to become his own personal hero, he couldn't tell, but it somehow happened and it was daunting because somehow he now couldn't imagine spending a week nor a day without expecting Harry to appear at his door, for one reason or another, and spending at his flat or house the rest of the day, doing one thing or another and talking. He was a constant of his life now, and the time when he was not with him somehow felt longer and longer still while the time when he was with him somehow flew by quicker and quicker, making it an exquisite torture to wait for him at the time when he was not present.  
What was that? Did Potter play with time somehow? _


	27. Chapter 27

Harry was out of breath the first time Severus showed up finally, surfacing from clouds of perfume and cheap giggling. Their eyes locked.  
Ball. It was as if Severus, the ever professor, reminded him wordlessly. This is a ball. We attended a ball, so – no wondering.  
Then his shirt moved.  
Under it, Severus wore black stockings. Harry gulped and waited for him to come down. Then he offered his arm.  
It was a matter of time, as all such things are; Severus started to chat and talk with others, barely noticing Harry. After some time, he started looking for opportunities to meet other people in his new attire. He dug such deep that he, for couple of his friends and former colleagues, laughed at the… _ball_. In the middle of the goddamned ballroom. Among _people_.  
The meeting centred around him now, potions, things like that. People were herded around him, clothed in unisex clothes, verging on feminine scarfs and eyeliners. Some looked pretty eccentric. Some quite decent, barely recognisable. It was a big deal. He really suited the society well. He drifted farther from Harry, not needing him so much after all. Harry didn’t like that at all. He felt left out.  
Harry watched with proudness, happiness and envy.  
With hate when someone tried to grope Severus through the thick skirt. At that moment he thought he will bite the man’s hand off.  
Wouldn’t that be really nice?

As he was sulking alone in the corner with a drink in his hand, Harry was contemplating things.  
Somebody will get him. Someone will, sooner or later, Harry had no doubt about that. So… there was only one last thing left to ask himself.  
Do I want it to be me, or do I want it to by anybody else?  
Harry waited till the night ended and the farewells were exchanged till he chaperoned Severus home. The choice was not that difficult after all, it wasn’t even a choice and Harry slid to the floor on his knees, raised the skirt and delved under it, finding and engulfing Severus’s cock.  
Severus yelped in surprise and bulged, raising the skirt entirely to touch Harry’s hair and held his   
Give me mouth to mouth?  
He came to of the cloakroom in beautiful, beautiful pink and black robe with corset and crinoline.


	28. Chapter 28

Ball. It was a ball and Severus made Harry come with him, cross-dressed too, but not in a corset. It was a mess, but Harry did it.  
The wig from Harry’s head dropped. Severus‘s palm was pressed to the cold earring peck to his skin, engulfing his mouth like a drowning man, sticking his tongue into Harry’s mouth.

Yes, the mouth was showing something like a scorn, the wrinkles etched still into grave strictness, his long relentlessly straight hair hanging limply from his head, but it wasn't about them at all, the nose still so large it could shade any other of the features. Those eyes, deep and telling stories not spilled yet, promising something more, something deep.  
And the way he stood, so proud, so aware of his surroundings yet accepting it, holding his skirt not to fall on the stairs, breathing evenly and looking cold to discourage every frivolous creature willing to bother him on the first sight.

When Harry got inside out of the freezing air, he found Snape standing in black tights and black high heel shoes, wearing purple robe with deep, v-shaped neckline and full breasts popping out of it, his neck encircling collar with silver studs.  
\- Those are only… it will disappear in an hour or so, I promise…  
He sounded so unsure of himself, the way Severus Snape has no right to sound. Insecure. As if fearing Harry will leave him for that.  
In an instant, Harry was by him, cupping his left breast in one hand while forcing a deep-throated kiss from his lips. He opened his robes and engulfed one proportionally big breast into his mouth. Sucking and licking until Snape cracked and moaned with his deep voice loudly and uncontrollably excited.  
\- I love them, answered Harry, squeezing one than the other appreciatively in one hand while holding Severus’s back with his second hand.


	29. Chapter 29

They fucked. And then, they slept. When Harry woke, Severus was already awake, flat somehow.  
\- Severus?  
\- It was eight hours… they are gone, mumbled Severus disappointed.  
\- Good. Are you gonna magic… Harry wave his hand around his breast, - back?  
Severus stopped looking into his lap and looked at Harry instead, searching for something then finding something else: - At first, I thought you are just pervert even though you stated no such thing. Now I just don’t know. Can’t decide. Why are you sleeping with me? What is it you want from me? Which body do you prefer?  
\- Oh… Severus. It is six a.m. Must we really -?  
\- We do, answered Severus hard, stopping any complaints. – What is it that makes you stay? asked Severus cryptically, as if a world depended on it.  
\- When will you…? Ok. You. Always you, answered Harry. – You is what makes me stay – always, and Harry reached with his hand and covered the scar on Severus’s neck with his palm, feeling the pulse there beating rapidly. - And you? asked Harry tentatively, barely a whisper. – What makes you accept me as your lover? Is it my acceptance, or do you feel something for me?  
Severus’s big eyes widened, shocked.  
\- Are you doing it out of curiosity – to know what is it like to fuck and be fucked one of your students? One of the most hated one?  
Severus crouched back, away from Harry’s hand, the tone still deceptively calm, the words hurtful.  
\- Or are you letting me fuck you imagining Lily? Or Potter? Do you wish to be her, with her or are you after revenge from my father? You see… if you really try, no one and nothing can stay clear really, and nothing is without doubt. And if you think for a moment, I am that strong to not doubt myself ever, the opposite is truth. I must stay strong for you, so I am, but those thoughts are racing in my mind too. Constantly.  
\- What you do with them then?  
Harry gone soft suddenly, trying to be accommodate in places Severus could not be:  
\- I just tell them to shut up. They are just thoughts. Imagination gone wild. They don’t have anything common with what I feel for you. At times, I say them they are jealous because I am with you when they are not.  
\- Do they listen? asked Severus, playing along.  
\- Sometimes. And sometimes they continue, making me imagining what you think of, what you should think of, whispering what are you doing outside for so long, asking me why you aren’t in here with me. Explicitly saying what are you doing and with whom – to whom…  
\- What do you do then?  
\- Wank. Subduing them, telling them, that I will use every one of their dirty accusations against them, then fuck you in real when you are back.  
\- And if I refuse to be fucked?  
\- I can always let you fuck me…  
\- Potter!  
\- What with it? Then you just sleep here with me and I with you. Cuddle maybe. Nothing else.  
Severus laid into bed. Harry spooned him from behind. Severus wrapped his arm around his waist.  
They slept.


	30. Chapter 30

He cried till the deep night when suddenly, warm, strong arms closed around him, soft, whispered words murmured into his ear. Severus turned, letting Harry take him into his arms, asking: - What has happened?, allowing him to cry all of his worries and sorrows into his wet-soaked shirt.  
\- Nothing, answered Severus. - Confused.  
\- About what?  
\- Everything. Me. You. Both of us. Me.  
\- Do you want to -?  
\- No.  
To his hurried determination was Harry's answer calming stroking his hair.  
\- Okay, answered Harry.

)

 

Even as a girl he disgusted himself. He stood in front of the mirror naked, wearing only pearls, violet collar, pink lipstick, mascara and eyeshadows on, and his hair slicked to his head. Red rose around his wrist and he felt like nothing, disgusting piece of meat, animated and depersonalised by all the bad and all the changes in his life. That was… until a pair of green eyes looked from the shadows of the other room on him from the mirror, caught by the sight of him, sliding along the contours of his body reflecting in the mirror, entranced, caught by complete accident and surprise.  
He was not meant to be here tonight, Severus knew. So that he was caught like that was no one’s fault. Still, he looked down, turning and closing the door rather than to get dressed properly, too disgusted to do anything else with the situation.  
How humiliating to find out he doesn’t really know what he is like in the first place. For somehow it started to revolve more around how to make this potion right rather than how to become indefinitely a women, a first but sure sign Severus found out about this project. Because it felt more familiar to wanting to achieve a goal successfully because it was an ambitious project and he wanted to do it right, rather than want to upside-down his whole life by becoming a woman. It was a nice change. Really. But after several tries and fails he found out he felt more natural as a man clothed as a woman and being accepted by those close to him than being a real woman,  
Damn it all. They shall see what the outcome for Severus will be now just couldn’t even imagine.  
But it was the first sign and Severus never forget that while continuing the creation of his potion.

 

But he pondered over it and it seemed to do something for Potter, so, after some time and changes in his potion, he went along with it.


	31. Chapter 31

The change must have happened suddenly for she was waiting for him, half covered in her - Severus Snape's – old teaching robes, her big handful breasts naked. She sat in the dark on his teacher’s desk in Severus’s old laboratory. Breathing heavily, stare deep, halfway angry and halfway aroused. She was beautiful. Beautiful, and fuckable.  
When shedding her male-self clothes, she was beautiful. When turning her back to him, she was beautiful. Nape of her neck maddeningly fragile, her hair long, thick and heavy, her back naked and white and without one single flaw.  
He, making one tentative step forward, swore he won’t leave a mark on her body.  
He did not forget.  
And she, the miracle of miracles, allowed him to come to her, to raise his hand, to touch her naked shoulder.  
To turn her – she winced, baring her teeth in such a strange scorn, so unsure of her expression, as if she didn’t know how she looks like with that, warning Harry, for the potion he was making… and she allowed him to kiss her, to make her his. To press her against a wall, to treat her like she was fragile, to lay her o the desk, to slide into her.  
Harry felt privileged. He worshiped her body although all he really wanted was to cup and play worth her breast. But holding her tights made him feel powerful too.  
For no reason really, hard to say why, the slightest touches were enough to make one or the other blush, sigh, moan, scream, come…  
She pulsed and Harry pulsed with her, hugging her.


	32. Chapter 32

\- Whose scarf is it? Asked Minerva, laughing not-so-gently.  
Severus looked down.  
Once upon a time, Harry borrowed him his scarf because he came to him with terrible cough and sneezing. That would explain it, that now, several years later, the very same, very gold-and-red scarf sit around his shoulders and snuggled around his neck as he was drinking hot tea, trying to get rid of the very same horrible cough and sneezing he already experienced in the past with Potter as his care-taker.  
None too gently, Severus looked Minerva down and frowned terribly, sipping another gulp of his tea.

She had the most beautiful body, with nicely refined male torso and hips, and with curves on the all good places - big breasts and round plump arse, and he was waiting on him with only stockings and bra. All black.  
He adored her with her eyes promising silently all the depraved kind of worship, devotion and love.  
\- Will you just stand there and stare as my body decays? she asked nearly sweetly, and Harry loosened the tie strangling him and came to her to devour her.


	33. Chapter 33

The other day it was as if nothing happened and he found Severus in disgustingly, sickening foul mood.  
\- Go pester someone else, Potter, said Severus waspishly.

Such long thick hair and the desperation that visible in her eyes insecurities, doubts, regrets, remorse, all blended in one look of her made Harry think of deserted places, lost opportunities, options and sacred carving of divine's depths of soul of the whole united universe.  
He despised to think about such depths that made him feel desperate, those steams and liquids she lived from. She felt on one moment what he avoided to think about his whole life, that made his life scary, black and sad.  
She made him crave her with the magnetisms of unique strength.

\- You can’t possibly understand, accused him Severus, - how arousing, holding him to himself by his neck, - how arousing it is to be desired by another partner despite such a flaw as this crossdressing and dressing into women, knowing he is not. He grabbed his prick, dragging him nearer, closer to him, - how arousing it is to be, after years upon years being discarded as unsatisfactory, wanted, yearned, chosen.  
\- Oh Severus, please, begged Harry, panting into their shared breaths, knowing Severus is holding him, pumping him, dragging him under, delving him by his tongue.


	34. Chapter 34

_He was looking at him pensieve.  
\- What is it? asked Potter tentatively from the book about Quiditch pitches.  
Severus shook his head: - Nothing.  
\- Come'n. Tell...  
\- I always wanted to try something... stated Severus calmly, then, while being watched by Potter, he raised to his feet and came nearest to him, who was sitting at the sofa.  
He raised his hands and slowly started to unbutton Potter's shirt while seeking his permission watching him intently in the eyes.  
Potter gulped, which was clue for Severus to pull up the vial: - Swallow?  
Potter raised his hand and did as he was asked to do.  
In a matter of seconds, who big and pea-shaped breasts formed on Potter's chest.  
Perfect.  
Once again, he slowly, tentatively raised his hands to hold one of them, while sitting on the cough beside Potter.  
The breast was taunt and heavy in his palm. He felt transfixed by the touch and by the sight, and then - the warm smell of it. - May I? he asked Potter for permission and when he put his hand in his hair and nodded slightly yet mutely, Severus lowered himself onto the nipple and sucked it between his lis and between his teeth with utmost care, then nibbled its peak with his tongue and was rewarded by Potter's hitched sight of surprised pleasure.  
Then the milk he asked Potter's body for started to pour.  
Severus felt Potter's fingers and hand in his hair and took it as encouraging sign, while he no longer possessed any control over his actions: he latched onto the nipple and started to suck and drink, while putting four of his fingers onto Potter's breast-bone in order to catch himself.  
Pleasured sighs were heard above his head, so Severus concluded the experience was not utterly unpleasurable for Potter too.  
He left the nipple and watched, as a drop of milk slowly slided down from the slope. He bent and licked it carefully so that not a drop was spilt.  
\- Alright? murmured Severus huskily, watching the second breast without reservations.  
Potter nodded mutely, lips slacked open, unable to speak. In his two green eyes a whole universe playing its mismatched part.  
\- Do it again, n command.  
Severus did not hesitate, nor was he waiting for second thought. He latched again, desperate this time and sucked hard and maybe too quickly because Potter shouted with pain and nails were digged into his scalp for his harshness. He opened his mouth breathing heavy, pressed his forehead to the skin of Potter's breast to catch his breath, co catch his thoughts, to catch his reason and connect them with his actions. He hugged him, then put his palms on his knee, asking: - Alright?  
\- Yeah. Go on - just like that, not a pause to take his breath, not to think, not to hesitate or change his mind. Just breathless: go on.  
\- Fuck, was Severus response.  
Potter chuckled: - That - too, if you wish.  
Severus froze.  
Merciless. Potter was just like that - merciless.  
Severus raised his head to look in Potter's eyes fully this time.  
\- Are you joking?  
\- No.  
Severus slowly dragged his ragged breath in and out, in and out.  
\- I hate you, he answered.  
\- I hate you, too, answered Potter, less breathlessly this time, and then there was no room for anything really, as Potter hooked his arm behind Severus's neck and made him go down for the kiss._


	35. Chapter 35

_A breakthrough.  
Finished.  
Now, there was a potion that could make a male body female – no inconvenience of Polyjuice Potions, no necessity to fuck someone else in the wrong body. It could alter male’s body to have only breasts, or to have only a vagina. It could make a male girl again, albeit for a short period of time, making the transition to a woman more natural, giving him some time to adjust and see what would he or she look like had he been born in the proper body. He or she could choose to be transformed permanently, he or she could opt for alternating one’s sex on regular basis.  
His or her partner could try.  
It lasted more than couple of hours. No nasty surprises attached. No surprises at all.  
Oh fuck, those possibilities in bed for… anybody since now on. Oh. Fuck.  
What he had done?  
It was up to the person’s decision now.  
It was a miracle.  
Now comes the sharing part. He needed to share with Harry, in fact, he needed it desperately.  
Finally, the time to share his success with came.  
Life was sweet._


	36. Chapter 36

\- Do you think I would like to look like my mother? asked Severus incredulously.  
\- No. Yes. I... Harry shut his mouth up. - Um. Well... why not pick up... Lily? asked Harry.  
Severus walked around him with strange expression in his eyes: - Do you want to look like her?  
\- No. What? No. No. Of course...  
\- Why should I?  
\- It was your friend. Maybe...  
\- Me looking like her wouldn't bring her miraculously back from the dead, Potter. It would most definitely hurt me, but nothing more. Or less, for that matter.  
Still holding the picture of Severus's mother, Harry stated: - She is beautiful, matter-of-factly.  
Severus looked over his shoulder: - Aren't you depressed? asked him Severus.  
Confused, Harry looked up: - Why?  
\- She looks too morbid and too dark even for my liking.  
\- You wore more black than her, defended her Harry.  
\- Well... and she is a woman.


	37. Chapter 37

Severus’s palm slowly mapped Potter’s side and stopped at the inner side of his thighs, waiting. Potter, looking at him with dilated pupils, opened his legs wider, inviting him while gulping, his features so out-of-place, serious. His body more feminine now, rounder and less haired, yet his face remained strictly masculine – or boyish more so in Potter’s case.  
\- Open for me, ordered Severus, - wider. Wider. He immediately buried two fingers into Potter’s cunt.  
The stormy look behind Potter’s glasses somehow fogged, somehow clouded. He swallowed several times, and when Severus touched his clit, he had trouble breathing and looking at him at the same time. He slowly nuzzled with his dry thumb, tentatively touching and catching and capturing every change in Potter’s expression and tension or lack of. He was mad with desire with Harry’s warm, wet and heat. He wanted to bury deep.  
\- Fuck me already, that went straight into Severus’s cock and the moan was involuntary dragged out of him. At the same time, he realised. It was plain as day to him. The tone stated it clearly, more so than words could.  
\- No, he refused.  
\- Why not?  
\- You don’t crave that.  
\- I crave you.  
\- That is not the same.  
\- No, that it isn’t. I still want you. You need to try. You need to know.  
\- No.  
\- Why not?  
\- I just say so – no.  
\- Severus – don’t be stupid.  
Severus tenses immediately too. Fine. Now he at least knew how Potter is feeling the whole time, lying to him and pretending he wants something he obviously –  
\- I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. You just need to know, though. You never were with a women. Were you?  
\- I –  
What? How Potter know?  
\- Or with a man, for that matter? That sounded more hesitantly then the previous statement. Potter was fishing for the truth. The bastard!  
\- I absolutely refuse to admit to any such nonsense!  
\- That is what is stupid about it in fact. In fact, I am of the opinion every single person should really try – to know. Try both sexes. Try all positions. Try switch places. And why not? It is all too easy, ridiculously so, for wizards to try. I for one am willing to find out if I only wish to be a boy because a was born like one or if it is my true identity. If it was my destiny to be a boy, if I could feel comfortable only in this body. Because I should have been a boy. What if it was just some mishap of destiny? And because of In what body I was born I never found out what I am missing. What if I was born a boy and never lived as a good life as I could have had I known sooner? I wish to try to be a girl – a woman. What if I am not living the best life I could just because of some mismatch on fate’s part, hm?   
Severus felt cold. - You are insane, he stated flatly.  
\- Thank you for your compliment and support, too, Severus, you are such a nice kind guy!  
\- Why don’t you want to be a fish or a bird?  
\- That I might wish to try too someday, you know. Would you care to join if I decided so?  
Severus blinked, absolutely confused and not believing his own ears. Did Potter gone mad without him noticing?: - Are you serious? He asked finally, tentatively.  
\- Absolutely, answered Harry seriously. Then grinned.  
\- I will kill you.  
\- Why? I am serious.  
\- I will strangle you.  
\- Don’t you want to fuck me instead? asked Harry.  
\- Why instead? scowled Severus furiously, then kissed the idiot until the effects of the potion passed despite Potter’s protests. Then fucked him into mattress.


	38. Chapter 38

That night Harry woke up, fount the potion and gulped it in one go. Then went back to bed to Severus and swallowed his penis while he slept. Then, when was his penis fully erect, he sat at it, sans preparation, and woke Severus up with the sharp cry. What the fuck? Shouldn’t be women’s body prepared for such intrusion? It shouldn’t need the preparation!  
Then two hands of fully woken Severus came round his waist and held him still. Harry, petulantly, sat with full weight at his cock so it finally penetrated him fully.  
\- What have you done now, Potter? Asked Severus angry and pained.  
\- I want to – fuck you – like that, answered Harry angry the same yet determined.  
\- Why?  
\- Because I said so.  
\- Fuck!  
\- Yeah, fuck me already.   
\- You stronghanded, pig-headed idiot.  
Harry knew. His cunt was bleeding. He shivered, suddenly it was too hot.  
\- Stand up, ordered Severus.  
\- No.  
\- Why not?  
\- You would stop. I don’t intend to stop. I just need…  
\- Cure the tore, finished Severus for him  
\- No! Time to adjust.  
\- I hurt you.  
\- It was just virgin membrane. It will be fine. You have done no permanent damage, I swear. Just move already.  
\- No – I will take care of –  
\- I am not your patient! Screamed Harry at him, vitriol in tone now.  
\- And you are not my sex slave, too, growled Severus.  
Harry intentionally thrust.  
Severus grabbed him, taking him into his arms. Harry didn’t stop, he thrust once again, forcing Severus to either thrown him off completely or tame him. Tame him, accept him, help him.  
That he did, albeit reluctantly, as was Harry’s suspicion.  
His breathing laboured, he perspired, desire etching their movement, Severus desperately refusing to acknowledge what were they doing, his features sharp and closed, he let his hand laying on one of Harry’s breast and the other around his waist. He stopped the movements of his pelvis. – Severus. Please. Look at me.  
Severus shook his head. Sweat running down his temple, the vein pulsing madly. Eyes shut and screwed. Painfully. Teeth biting the lower lip, visible and invisible at once. No.  
Harry leaned over his eyelids and put a kiss on his eyelid: - My sweet prince, please, open your eyes. Don’t do this to me. Help me.  
And Severus opened his eyes to see. And he didn’t find bitterness, hatred, rage and accusation as he feared.  
He swapped their position and loved him sweetly and slowly then.


	39. Chapter 39

\- What are you thinking about?  
They were both naked sons some stocking, and Harrieta just now jumped at her back, pressing her naked lap to her side, throwing her arms around her neck, her hair tickling Severina into her chin and nose. Smiling. Climbing and clinging to her.  
Your arms are cold, accused her Severina, grabbing one of her arms, warming it with her palms and breath.

\- Who? asked Severus.  
\- What?  
\- If that is not natural for you, then who gave you this gift to make you hand out it to others? Who did fuck you, Potter, and made you confident?  
\- I don't -  
\- Who stick his cock up your arse, Potter? asked Severus hard.  
\- That was cross, Severus, and you know that.  
\- I want to know.  
\- Why? So you can taunt me for the rest of my life?  
\- Or mine since I am twenty years older.  
\- You make me speechless so easily, said Harry coldly. - I envy you your abilities.  
\- I have much more. Who was it?  
\- No one.  
\- Don't lie - to me - Potter, orders Severus.  
\- Don't order me, Snape, answered Harry calmly.  
Severus stare didn’t budge.  
\- I'll go, sighed Harry stepping away from the sofa.  
\- Don't - his wrist was grasped by Severus's hand.  
\- No - you don't. Don't touch me with such filthy thoughts on your mind, you fucking son of a -  
Severus kissed him, hard, making him silent and speechless, truly now.

My dear love.

_\- Don’t dare to leave me, don’t dare to leave me, don’t dare to leave me, don’t dare… Don’t dare to fuck them, don’t dare to not answer me, don’t you dare to be hurt. Don’t –  
\- Severus, stopped him Harry, - I sleep with you, and with you only.  
And Severus got scared and Severus held his tongue behind his teeth, much the opposite to Potter’s hugging him, spooning him from behind.  
_


	40. Chapter 40

She lied onto him, her crotch wet:  
\- Are you meaning it serious? She just grabbed her left breast and squeezed.  
\- Right, she turned and let her fuck her, mercilessly pounding into her from behind till their cocks bleeded, she stroked her back and hips and that was fine, too, and then she sneaked her little fragile hand toward her private zone and she -  
\- grabbed Harriet's hand shrieking: - Don't touch it. Then, much more calmly, and much softer, she repeated as a plea: - Don't touch it, please.  
The breath of them both was ragged and they both knew that happened right now something that shouldn’t, that Harriet will need an explanation and she won't want to give it, they'll part, angry at each other for their own good and everything became awkward and unpleasantly and then they'll part their ways forever and none will be the wiser because one fucking mishap. But... maybe he- she was wrong, because Harriet moved her hips, again and again, and put a kiss on the top of his neck and he lost himself in a bliss, without further ado, without comment, without the need, the necessity of explanation.  
Then she put him onto bed and then they slept.  
Together.

And when Potter came to him, his hips swaying and his torso tight in the corset, Severus's hand touched the small metallic-smelling holes of his corset penetrated by the laces something happened because all of a sudden Severus regretted the small and slim and fragile body he was momentarily trapped in, craving to take Potter by the waist, to grab the corset and the waist, to squeeze, and delve under, shedding the pants, burry into his mouth, lay him onto the bed, 


End file.
